Monthly Archives: May 2010

Medicated Pete’s Last Day

Howard said that it’s Medicated Pete’s last day today. He said ti’s the end of his internship. He said he thinks that Pete is freaking out. Howard said he heard that they want him out of there because he’s creeping people out. He stands and stares at people in the lobby there. Howard said even if they could extend his internship they want him out of there. He said that it’s the upper management that wants him out. Howard said he apparently stares at the other show guests out in the lobby.

Howard heard that Pete got choked up on the show last night. Pete said he did. Howard said Gary told him that Pete is basically useless back in the office. He said Gary told him he can leave when the show is over because he doesn’t have anything for him to do.

Gary said he loves Pete but there isn’t much they have for him to do back there. Gary said having him around is keeping him in the way there. He said he likes having Pete around though. Gary said Pete doesn’t know where to be so he wanders around like bumper pool. He knocks into stuff as he wanders the halls.

Gary said he has things for Pete to do but not all that much. Gary asked Pete what his day consists of. Pete said he answers phones a couple of times. This morning he said he hasn’t done much. Howard said he sits around listening to dance music during the show. He’s not even listening to the show. He waits to be called in on the air and then goes home.

Gary said that one of their old assistants is the one who found Pete. She said that Pete used to hang out in the library. Pete spends the whole day there at the library according to that woman. Gary said they ended up hiring Pete.

Howard said Pete is going to have to surrender his name ”Medicated Pete” and leave there as just ”Pete.” Howard said Pete must be wondering what to do with the rest of his life. Pete said he’s going to be pawning stuff on the beach now. Howard said he heard that Pete’s nickname is bedbug because he latches on to people. Pete said that’s right.

Ronnie said that Pete walks around the whole building and stares at people. He just wanders around to places he shouldn’t be going. He said Pete was down there at the ”other place” where he shouldn’t be. Howard asked Pete what he was doing up there. Pete said he doesn’t know. He said he can’t rationalize it.

Pete said he knows a guy from NFL radio up there so that’s why he goes up. Ronnie said he wanders every hall up there though so he has to tell him to come back. Ronnie said he tells him to stay away from some of the areas down there.

Howard asked if Pete ever goes to the law offices and other parts of the building. Pete said he stays there in the SIRIUS compound. Ronnie said he also says goodbye like 18 times. He said he’ll leave and then come back and then leave again. He said that Pete waits out there in the lobby waiting to go on the Wrap Up Show and thing like that.

Ronnie said that the receptionist can’t figure out how to get rid of him either. Howard said he’s going to be fucked when he leaves there. Howard asked if he can retire on the Medicated Pete app money. Pete said he has gotten some money off of that. He said he probably made about 3-400 dollars. Robin said that’s not bad.

Gary asked how Pete makes money. Pete said he gets disability because of his Tourettes. Howard said he thinks he could get a job in a restaurant or something. Pete said he could spit on some hamburgers. Ronnie said he could stock shelves at a store or something. He doesn’t think he could work a register or anything. Howard said that’s why the library is so great because they can’t kick him out of there. Ronnie said he should get a job there at the library.

Howard said Pete must be worried that his girlfriend is going to break up now that he’s not on the show. Pete said he’ll probably get booted to the curb. Howard said that chick is going to get sick of Pete bed bugging on to her. Ronnie asked what he was doing the rest of the week when he wasn’t working there. Pete said he’s trying to find something.

Howard said that it’s been a pleasure having him there. He said he thinks Pete is a good dude. Pete thanked them for everything. Robin told him to stay in touch. Howard said maybe they can help him out with something. Robin said he can be part of the Wack Pack now. Howard said he should make an Amazon wish list so they can buy him stuff like Eric the Midget.

Howard asked Pete if he wanted to say goodbye like Simon Cowell did on Idol. Pete said it’s been nice getting to know them and he appreciates them having him on. He said it was very nice of him. Howard said he took one look at Pete and knew he had to get him on the air.

Howard said it felt weird to say goodbye to Pete. Robin said she was hoping the day would never come. Howard said the same thing and thanked Robin for saying that. Howard told Pete to call in like Jeff the Drunk once in a while. He told him to just not ask for money.

Howard let Pete go and Pete kept turning around to say goodbye. Robin said she’s never seen Pete like that. Howard said he’s upset today. Robin said that Pete kept turning to Gary and saying ”bus” and bursting out laughing.

Howard played a prank call the guys made using clips of Medicated Pete asking a ton of questions that the guy on the other end didn’t understand.

Howard said that JD is upset that Pete is leaving because they left him alone. JD said that he’s only there two days a week so he’s not going to miss him. Howard said JD was kind of cool when Pete was around. Howard said JD actually didn’t like Pete. JD said it’s not that he didn’t like him. He said Pete is funny at times but today he was just alright.

JD said Pete is weird. He said he stares at people and it’s just weird. Will came in and said that JD got really upset with him when he invited Pete to a party. He said JD thought he was cooler than Pete and didn’t think Pete should be there. JD said he knew it was out of a joke that he was invited. Howard imagined JD asking why they invited ”that nerd” to the party.

Howard and Fred goofed on JD about that whole thing for a few minutes. Howard said that JD should have taken Pete under his nerdy wing. Howard let JD go after that. Howard said he had to take a break after that.

Don Rickles Calls in to Howard Stern

Howard came back and Gary told him to pick up the phone because he had someone very annoyed with him on the phone. Howard picked up the phone and it was Don Rickles. Don said that he loves John Stamos but he wasn’t going to snap just because he wasn’t at that party last week. He said he’s an old Jew trying to stay alive and he doesn’t need to be at that party.

Howard told Mr. Rickles that he came out to L.A. and Jimmy Kimmel threw him a party. He said that Stamos got upset that Don wasn’t invited. Don said that wasn’t what happened. He said that John invited him to go along but he said he wasn’t invited. Don said he told John to get over it. Don said that he didn’t want to be made out as a cripple for not being at the party. He said he wasn’t hurt by that.

Howard said it never would have occurred to him that he’d want to be there. don said that he would have said okay if he had been invited but he wouldn’t have sat around and dribbled like Howard thought. Howard said he has a lot of respect for Don Rickles. He said that he used to study the guy when he’d make a movie.

Howard said that’s like saying they should have invited President Obama to the party. He said that he knows now that Don would have come so he won’t leave him alone now.

Don sad he’s doing Jimmy’s show in June so he’s going to break his balls over this. He said he’s doing Letterman tonight and the show will air on Wednesday night. Don said he doesn’t live in the world that Howard thinks he lives in.

Howard asked Don if he still does his wife. Don asked if he circles the bed and gets an estimate or does he just jump right in. Howard said he jumps right in.

Howard told Don he’s going to invite him to everything now and he’s going to have to call the police because it’ll be like he’s stalking him. Don said he just called in to let him know that he wasn’t as upset as John Stamos said. He said he had heard rumors about the party but he didn’t know much about it. That’s when John Stamos flipped out.

Howard said he thinks that the party would have been all about Don if he had showed up. Don said that he just wanted to let him know he wasn’t a wreck over the whole thing. He said they are followers of Howard’s and they figured he should know.

Howard asked Don about the great parties he used to go to. Don said he had great times back in the day. He said that he used to go to Johnny Carson’s place back in the day. He said that Letterman has even taken him out to dinner. He said he took him out to a club one night. He said he’s had dinner with Letterman and his writer. Howard sounded shocked by that. Howard said that’s unusual because he doesn’t even go to his own staff parties. Don said he was very flattered.

Howard asked who Don thinks is better, him or Letterman. Don said that’s easy, Letterman. Don told Howard he remembers the first time meeting Howard and Robin and how he introduced himself. Robin said that they talked about that for a long time after.

Howard asked Don if he will talk to Letterman about the sex stuff that went on over there. don said he won’t even bring that up. He said he has other material he can use. He said Howard has to talk about that stuff. Don told him he has to calm down with that once in a while. Don said that’s not his style and he should come out and see his show sometime. Howard said that Don embarrasses a lot of people at his shows. Don said he’s never mean spirited though. He said he’s been doing this for 50 years now so he must be doing something right.

Don said that he and Dave know what they want to talk about but they don’t plan out that much of what he’s going to say. Howard asked if he ever plans out something that he doesn’t tell them about. Don said that he reveals all before because he has nothing to hide.

Howard asked Don about working with Mike Douglas and Johnny Carson. Don said that Johnny was king. He said that he set up everything and he always made him look good. He said that letterman does that too. Howard asked about Jay and if he’s a shit head. Don said he gets along with everyone. He said that he just avoids anyone he doesn’t like.

Howard said what’s interesting to him is how good Don is at making his performance look effortless. Howard asked if he ever thought he’d outlive Johnny Carson. Don said he doesn’t think much about death but now that Howard brings it up he’s looking at his watch and he might have another hour left to live. Don said that he’s been married for 45 years now and it’s been great. Howard said it must be weird seeing all of these younger guys dying off. Don said that everyone goes out. Howard said that Carson smoked so maybe that did him in. Don said that you don’t have to smoke to have something wrong with you.

Howard asked Don about writing jokes. Don said he’s never put anything on paper. He said that he will only put it on paper if he’s doing a sitcom or something like that. Don said that he’s always been told to just go out and do his thing. Howard said he’s seen him do roasts and he kills. Don said that he never writes down a word. Howard asked if he sweats bullets doing that. Don said he does. He said that he gets the adrenaline going and that makes it happen for him. He said that’s what’s going to happen on Letterman tonight.

Howard said that Don is in the new Toy Story 3 movie that’s coming out in June. He’s also going to be at the Orleans in Las Vegas. He’s still out there doing his thing and people love it. Howard said he loves Don too.

Don talked about doing the voice for the Mr. Potato Head in the movie for a minute. Howard asked Don if he’s a super religious guy. Don said that he’s not all that religious but he is a Jew and he does believe in god. Howard asked if he speaks Hebrew. Don said he’s not an Israeli pilot. Howard asked if he believes that he’ll get to see Johnny and Frank Sinatra up in heaven. Don said he put in a reservation but he’s not sure if he’ll get a table.

Howard told Don that he’s very important to him and it’s great to be able to talk to him. He said he’s his hero and an amazing talent. He said he loves him. Don thanked him for that. He said his wife was the one who told him he should give him a call because he’s so nice. Howard said he didn’t think that Don would want anything to do with riff raff like him. He let don go a short time later.

Jewel on The Howard Stern Show

Howard came back and had Jewel sitting in. Howard said he and Jewel did the Tonight Show together once. Jewel said that was around the time that Howard’s movie was out. Howard said he asked her to come out to the movie premiere back then but he thought that her mother put a stop to that. She said that she was the one who decided not to go.

Howard said that he and Jewel were back stage at the Tonight Show and Jewel turned to James Carville and yelled at him to stop staring at her tits. Jewel said Howard was very nice and intelligent and not staring at her boobs. She said that Carville was staring a hole in them so she turned to him and told him that she knows they’re big but he doesn’t have to stare.

Howard said Carville turned to him and said that he swore he wasn’t staring at her boobs. He was really embarrassed. Howard said he really wasn’t staring at her boobs. He’s not really a tit guy. He said he doesn’t really care about breasts that much.

Howard said that he was on the air talking about what song Jewel should do on the show and they came up with ”Needle and the Damage Done” and it turns out she covers that song. She said that was one of the first songs she ever did. Jewel said that she and her dad used to go out performing in bars together.

Howard asked Jewel about her parents splitting up when she was 8. She said that happened and then she’d go out with her father performing at bars. She said that there were some really creepy guys that she’d meet out at the bars.

Jewel said it was actually her mom who split on the family. She said they fought a lot when they were growing up. Jewel asked Howard if he’s Barbara Walters or something. Howard said he was just trying to learn about her life. Howard asked about her father taking over and taking care of the kids. She said that she has two brothers, one older and one younger. Howard said that it must have been tough. She said it was and she moved out when she was just 15.

Howard asked if she had to bathe in a river. Jewel said they used the creek for water and that is true. She said that they had to live off the land but it worked for them. She said that’s the good part of this country that you can live off the land if you are poor.

Jewel told Howard that she found the poverty thing empowering to her. Howard asked if she holds on to every penny now because of that. Jewel said she doesn’t want to go back to that life and she likes that she can buy medication now when she needs it. She said she had some experiences when she was younger and it has relieved a lot of stress now.

Howard asked how long she’d go without bathing. She said she would take sponge baths and stuff like that. She said they had a sauna that they would use too.

Howard asked if she had a lot of anger in her over her mother. She said that kind of stuff might help with her song writing. Howard asked if her father had to teach her how to use a tampon. She laughed and asked Howard if his father taught him. Howard said he never even learned to wipe properly so he had an anal fissure.

Howard asked Jewel about her mom and what she remembered about her. Jewel’s mom came back into her life so Howard wondered why she would let that happen. Jewel said that it was complicated. Jewel said she wanted to trust someone and your parents are the people that you trust. Howard said that Jewel’s parents used to follow her on the road too. Jewel said that she used to have men chasing her around too and she thinks that’s just the way men are and it wasn’t because of the way she looked.

Jewel said that she learned not to drink because she saw what women would do in the bars. She said that she learned about herself and she did have to deal with a lot of predators. She said she had a guy who wanted to take her head shots in a store one time. She said she didn’t like the guy that was taking the pictures and it shows. She said it turns out the guy was caught for child prostitution a year later. Howard said that’s weird that her parents would let her go out in a car alone with a guy like that.

Jewel said she had a guitar player trying to kiss her when she was just 14 years old too. She said that you get scared when gross guys say things to you. She said that happened to her for so many years that she got used to it. She said that in general guys are good but there are some gross people out there.

Howard asked Jewel what a guy has to do to win her trust. He said it must take a while before she’ll even let a guy feel her up. She said that she has learned to trust some people instantly with her good instincts. Howard asked how long she made this guy she’s with now wait. Jewel was just laughing. Howard said that Beth let him in within two weeks or so. Howard said he read that Jewel let the guy into her pants 2 months in. She said they actually talked on the phone for 8 months. She said that she went out on a date eventually at a rodeo. Howard said the guy seems very manly. Jewel said he’s a real guy and there’s nothing phony about him at all. She said that most people will burn you. She said having someone to rely on is really meaningful.

Jewel asked Howard if he thinks that a lot of women dated him when he was single for his money. Howard said he thinks that some of them may have but there were some who he thinks liked him. Howard said he had some hot women when he was young but some of them may have been mental.

Howard said he doesn’t understand how Jewel got homeless. She said she moved out when she was 15 and she had some various jobs. She said that she was taking dance lessons from this instructor and he saw her singing and that helped her out. Howard asked if she ever thought about trying to get jobs based on her good looks. Jewel didn’t think she was that good looking. Howard said she has to be kidding. Howard said she’s very good looking and she could have gotten some modeling work or something.

Jewel said after she graduated high school she said she had a boss who offered her money to sleep with him. She said that she went to get her pay check after turning him down and he pretended that she was a ghost and didn’t give it to her. Jewel said that one thing led to another and she was homeless. Jewel said that she needed to take a shower and one of the musicians let her take a shower. She said there were other girls hanging out and there were strippers and call girls there. They tried to convert her but she didn’t ever fall into that. She said that she was a singer and she started writing songs. If she didn’t have that then it would have been really hard.

Jewel said that she did shop lift some stuff to eat. She said she started off with carrots and that is like the gateway vegetable because that led to more. She said that she wanted to steal a dress one time and it was like $39 and then she realized that she was cheating herself and she never stole anything after that. Jewel said that she turned to her writing and that let to her writing a song about that. Howard told Gary to check the green room to make sure she didn’t steal anything.

Howard asked Jewel when she lost her virginity. She didn’t want to remember but she said the guy was a jerk. She said it wasn’t anything terrible. She said that she’d hope for something better for her daughter.

Howard said he gets the feeling that Jewel doesn’t have orgasms. He said he can’t tell if she’s loose or if she’s uptight about stuff. Jewel said she read a lot of books to try and figure out how she wanted to grow up. She said she learned she didn’t want to be with an abusive guy and that led her to being where she is now. Jewel said she knows she can make it on her own so she’s okay with leaving someone if she has to.

Howard asked Jewel how she became so proficient at the guitar. Jewel said she went to a school where she wasn’t allowed to stay during spring break so she went hopping trains and stuff. She said she learned four chords and started improvising lyrics about what she was seeing around her. She ended up going around the county and to Mexico and that led to her writing her first song ”Who Will Save Your Soul.”

Howard asked Jewel to perform ”Needle and the Damage Done” for them. Howard said he loves Neil Young and this song wrecks him every time. Jewel asked if it was because of Artie. Howard said he’s always liked the song and it wasn’t Artie or even the heroin part of the song. He said that he likes to save people and not just drug addicts. Howard asked her what attracted her to the song. Jewel said she identifies with the misfits in a way. She feels bonded to them. She went into the song a short time later.

Howard liked the song and said that he heard she has like 500 songs in her head that she hasn’t written. Jewel said it’s tough to get songs out the way the song writing process and album making process goes.

Howard asked Jewel about how her grandfather taught her how to yodel. She demonstrated some of that for Howard. Howard told Robin to do it but Robin just said ”what?”

Howard asked Jewel about working with Neil Young and she said that she used to kick people out of his shows when she’d open for him. She said that Neil loved it when she would do that.

Jewel said that Neil kept to himself most of the time but she said that he has said some funny stuff to her. Howard asked if Neil ever came on to her. She said that he never did. Jewel said she had a dream to open for Bob Dylan when she was 16 and she dreamt that he came on to her which grossed her out. She said that she went out on tour with him and she was told that Bob never spoke to any opening act and didn’t want to talk to them. Then a couple of weeks later she was asked to go meet Bob and he was very nice to her. She said it wasn’t like her dream.

Howard asked Jewel if anyone has been really horrible to work with. She said there was one rascally old fellow but she didn’t want to say who it was.

Howard said Jewel did a pop album a few years ago and he didn’t think that was her thing. Howard said he likes her sound but he didn’t think that it was her thing. He said she’s got a new album coming out called ”Sweet and Wild.” He gave her some plugs for that and for her web site JewelJK.com.

Howard asked Jewel if she had any new songs she could do. She said she has one that she can do. She ended up talking about how she and her husband are trying to have a baby so Howard tried to get more information about that out of her. She said that she’s not talking about that.

Howard asked if she’s religious. Jewel said she’s spiritual but not really religious. Howard said she must believe in God. She said she does. Howard said that she must think that because these songs just flow through her. Jewel said that if you don’t judge it then it will just keep flowing. Howard asked if she has to perfect her songs. She said that she likes to do the songs live. She said she’ll start working it out on the road. She just wrote one a couple of days ago that she’ll be working on. Howard asked to hear some of that. Jewel sang a little bit of that song for him. She didn’t even have all of the lyrics worked out yet. Howard said it was a beautiful song though.

Howard asked if she plays for her husband or does she like to do it alone. She said she’ll write while her husband is watching TV. Howard asked if he’ll get upset with her about that. She said that the novelty may have worn off a while ago. Howard said he imagines her nude and singing after making love. Howard said he can imagine that. Jewel asked if he thinks she would sing ”You’re amazing honey.” Howard said that’s what he was thinking.

Howard asked Jewel if guys were intimidated by her when they dated her. He said he thinks he could handle her career. Jewel said that she and her husband can’t imagine being jealous of their careers. She said her husband was the winningest bull rider in history. She said that he’s retired from that now but he’s the head of some bull riding group. Jewel said that his thing is to grab people around their esophagus. She said that he’s never like that with her. She said he hates people who are disrespectful.

Howard asked if she loves having a man who can do that. She said she does like a man like that but he’s not overly hot headed.

Howard said he didn’t like it when she dated Sean Penn. Howard said Sean saw her on Conan and felt a connection to her. She said he had her write a song for a movie he did. She said that he was great for her and he was very supportive. She said they dated for just shy of a year. Howard said that she made love to Sean Penn. He asked what broke them up. She said he as older than her and it just wasn’t for her. Howard asked Jewel about dating some other guys. She said that some of them were wrong.

Howard asked Jewel what song she was going to perform from her new album. She was going to do one about a fight she and her husband had gotten into and that led to Howard talking about how he and Beth rarely fight. He did have a fight with her over Beth getting a massage from a guy once. He said he locked himself in the bathroom over that.

Howard asked what this fight was about. Jewel said she’s not sure what the fight was about. It was just something silly. Jewel then broke into her song ”Ten.”

After the song Howard told her she’s an angel on Earth. She told him to stop. Howard said that she must have enough money to be set for life. She said that she is. She said that the record business is tough right now though. She said that she saved her money early on and she’s wanted to experiment over the years and it’s been good. Howard asked if she knows how to bust balls with the crew. She said that she works very hard and she expects that from her people but she doesn’t think that she busts balls.

Howard asked Jewel if she’s ever been with ugly guys before. She said that she probably has but she had to have had some attraction to them to date them. Howard asked who the ugliest guy was but she didn’t have an answer.

Howard asked Jewel if she works out to stay in shape. She said she does work out. Howard told her she seems like a really nice woman. He said that he can’t believe that anyone can make money bull riding. Jewel said that he was the first cowboy to have an agent and he was the one who started the PBR which is the professional bull riding group that he’s the head of. She said that they’re making a lot of money doing that. She said that the cowboys and the people who started the PBR are all doing very well.

Howard asked about the bull riding and Jewel told Howard how they do it. She said that her first date with her husband was at a rodeo. Howard asked what she was doing there. She said that she had a night off so she went to a rodeo. Howard asked how they divvy up the money. She said they share expenses and stuff. they have a joint bank account that they contribute to. Jewel asked Howard how he does it. Howard said ”Well… I pay for everything.” Howard said he thinks that’s fair.

Howard asked Jewel if she thinks that her marriage will last forever. She said she thinks it will. Jewel said her husband puts 110 percent into everything and he wouldn’t have married her if he wasn’t into it. Howard said that you never know, he could end up like Jesse James dating some tattoo head.

Jewel said she’s a big fan of Howard’s show and she’s very happy for him. She said it’s an amazing thing that he built. Jewel said that in the 90s she was going around to radio stations and everyone was trying to be Howard but they didn’t have the clever finesse that Howard has. She said that she would be provoked and she’d go after these guys. Jewel said that she had one guy making fun of her teeth and she’d point out that one guy was bald. There was another guy who kicked her off the air after she bad mouthed the guy when he introduced her in a way that upset her.

Howard asked Jewel if her boobs are really that big. She said they’re really not. He said he couldn’t really see them but he figured they weren’t even D’s. Howard told her that Robin is a double G but Robin said it was just a G. Howard asked Jewel if she’s ever heard of that. Jewel said that is pretty big. Howard said he thinks that Jewel is perfectly proportioned. Jewel thanked him for that. Howard asked if she will walk around the house naked. She said it depends on how she’s feeling about herself. She said that there are times when she’ll slide out of the bed into her robe and others when she’ll take a few strides before doing it. Howard said he backs out of the room so Beth won’t see his cellulite ass.

Jewel said that she’s giving away some tickets to people who have money problems. She said you can follow her on Twitter at @jeweljk to find out how to win the free tickets. Howard gave Jewel some more plugs and then wrapped up and went to break.

John Stamos Calls in to Howard Stern

Howard said he wanted to talk to John now. He let Vinnie go and said that John called him at home last night. Howard said John is upset about the party at Jimmy Kimmel’s house. Howard said John has hung out with him and gone on vacation with him. He said he almost had a foursome with John and his wife. He said that he even took care of John’s wife for a whole day once.

John said he’s been getting calls all week long about this party. Howard said he was going to tell John what happened. John said he’s going to tell him what he’s wrong about. Howard said he spent most of the time at the party with John. John said he wasn’t able to get rid of Howard. He said it was Howard being nervous and spending all of his time with him. Howard said that girl that was with John, Nikki, was super hot. John said that she’s not there with him this morning. Howard asked if she’s his girlfriend. John said no. He said she got mad at him after that night.

Howard said John walked in with the most gorgeous girl that night and then John was talking about the girls he’s banged, that’s why she got mad. John said that’s not true. He said he heard Courteney Cox telling him about how he taught her how to play drums. Howard said that she made out with him once. John said that’s true. Howard said John is the one who was making it sound like he had fucked everyone there. Howard said John is the one who makes comments about the girls and it leads him to believe he fucked them. Howard said he got the feeling he fucked Demi and Courteney. Howard said he gives him a look and them mumbles something.

Howard asked John why Nikki was mad at him. John said he and Howard are buddies. John said Howard tells him stories about other girls too. Howard said he tells him he wishes he could fuck some of the girls. John said he has a new story about Howard fucking some chick. He said he’s not going to talk about it on the air but he will off the air. Howard told him to never bring it up. Howard asked if it’s what John revealed about his sex life that upset Nikki. John said that wasn’t it.

Howard said that he loves John. He didn’t have Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca there because he knew it would be awkward for him. Howard said he did that because he likes John and John was going to be there. He said he likes Jerry and Rebecca but he didn’t want to make John uncomfortable.

Howard said that John walked into the party with this stunning girl. He had a bag of t-shirts in his hand too. John said he’s going to send the note he got from Howard about that stuff so he can prove he’s not wrong in this. Howard said he’d better not because that was private. Howard said this girl John was with was so gorgeous. Howard said they were saying that everything between them was great too. Howard asked why he can’t make her his girlfriend. John said there’s nothing wrong. Howard said John would worship that girl if he looked like him. Howard asked what’s wrong with the girl. John said they’re dating. Howard said they date and fuck. Howard said that when a girl fucks you then she’s emotionally involved. Howard said he’s going to destroy her eventually. Robin said she’ll just have to move on like all of the other girls do.

Howard asked John where this girl is ranked, number one or number two. John said she’s the greatest girl he’s met and he hopes to make it work. He said he dated before he went to New York and now he’s back. Howard said it must be great to be that good looking. He can brush this hot chick off like it’s nothing. Howard said this guy fucks more than anyone on the planet.

John said he sent Howard a message about the t-shirts that he brought to the party. Howard said he never got that message. Howard said it must be great to be John Stamos. He said this girl was chasing him around.

Howard said Ralph told John to just mail the shirts to him. John said he asked Howard to tell him what his fake name was at the hotel and he never told him. John said he called him a shit head and he said he threw the t-shirts in the garbage. Howard said it was easier to throw them out than give them away to someone.

Howard said he brought Jimmy a $400 bottle of red wine too so Robin was wrong saying that he didn’t bring anything to him. Robin said she didn’t know that.

Howard said Jimmy was really bummed about John saying that he should have invited Don Rickles. Howard heard that John was upset that Jeff Probst was there and Don Rickles wasn’t even there. John said that Don called him. He didn’t call Don. John said that Don’s son heard Howard talking about the party and that’s how he found out about it. John said he told Jimmy about it because Don is going to be on his show in a couple of weeks and he’s going to bust his balls over it. He said he was just warning Jimmy so he’s know it was coming.

Howard said Don Rickles is 80 years old and he wouldn’t have wanted to sit at that loud party. John said that Don is on Jimmy’s show in a week and he’s going to talk to him about that story. Howard asked who else is upset about the party. John said that Don is good friends with Jimmy so that’s why he was letting him know.

Howard said this is weird. He asked John if he’s jealous that he’s friends with jimmy. John said he’s not. Howard said Don Rickles used to talk about his vacations with Bob Newhart and he thinks that he and Jimmy are turning into Don Rickles and Bob Newhart. Howard said he and Jimmy go on vacation all the time.

Howard also talked about how John and Mark McGrath got into it at the party. Howard said that John and Mark were the only ”real” musicians there and John was taking it way too seriously. John was getting upset when they wouldn’t finish a song. Howard said he was taking all of the fun out of it. John said that he and McGrath are fine and they’re not fighting. He said they’re going to hang out this weekend. Howard asked if he told him to learn a few songs. John said he should know some songs.

Howard said John had words with him about Mark and Mark felt that John was angry with him after the party. John said he has emails from Mark about it and he’s not upset. Howard said John was freaking out that they didn’t know any songs. John read an email from Mark where he says he’s not sure what Howard was talking about and he’s not upset with John at all.

Howard apologized to John. John said it hurt his feelings. Howard said he’s sorry. John said that he threw away his t-shirts. Howard said he didn’t like any of them. He said he actually did keep one but he did try to like the rest. John said he was upset about the wine he gave Jimmy and how Robin said he didn’t give Jimmy anything. Howard said he should have given him the wine and Jimmy the t-shirts.

Howard said he can’t imagine making love to that Nikki girl. John said he’s taking some time off of work so he has to figure out what his problem is. John said he has to figure out why he can’t fall in love. Howard said this girl is so hot and they’d have the most beautiful children if they had kids. Robin asked what’s stopping John. Howard said John gets so much pussy that he’s overdosed on it. John said he’s only had 3 girls in the past year. Howard said he was on Dancing with the Stars and asked him who he should fuck there. John said that was a joke. John said they don’t care about him there.

John said he’s upset about Robin saying he’s got diseases and stuff. Robin said she never said such a thing. Howard said he knows he doesn’t have any diseases because he stuck it in his ass.

Gary said he went out to the set of E.R. a couple of years ago and John gave him a tour. He said he was thinking about all of the girls he works with and which ones he thinks he fucked. Gary said that John is fucking 10’s too.

Howard said John told him that Beth wasn’t going to be the last one he banged. Howard said that you have to put some work into it and you can’t just give up on these girls. Howard said you have to be open to a relationship. Howard said that this Nikki is very hot, she fucks like a champ and she’s great. He asked John what his problem is. John said he has to figure out what it is.

Gary asked how long John can stop working. John said he could quit forever. John said he’s going to be on Entourage this season and they want Howard on there too but he hates the show. Howard said he doesn’t hate the show, he just doesn’t watch it. He said he likes those guys and he’s had them on the show.

Howard said that John is the problem because he hates ugly people and he’s afraid the girls are going to get ugly. John said that’s not true.

Fred said that John is going to keep going like this until his looks are gone. He said that will happen one day too. Howard said John doesn’t want to hear that. Fred said that Michael Douglas lost his looks. John said that Fred loves to hammer him. He said he thinks that Fred is genius but he’s always beat him up. Fred said that’s not true. John said that Fred has said that Rebecca wasn’t a super model and things like that. Gary said he doesn’t think that conversation has ever come up. Fred said he thinks that she is a super model.

Fred told John he’s going to be Michael Douglas in 10 years. He told him to keep laughing it up. John asked why he’s so mad at him. Fred said he’s not mad, he just needs some tough love. Fred said that if he got a little bit ugly he’d find the girl of his dreams.

Howard said John’s problem is that he’s got too many options. John said he’s almost 50 so when is he going to lose his looks. Fred said it will happen. He said that eventually a 20 year old is going to look at him and say he’s a codger. Howard said Jack Nicholson is still out there fucking chicks. Fred said it might not be that many now though. Fred said John is crying over this girl problem he has and he just doesn’t want to fall in love.

Howard asked John if he fucked Fred’s wife or something. John said he loves Fred no matter what he says to him. Fred said he will give John Robert Redford’s number and he’ll tell him about how it is.

Howard said Fred is worried that in 2026 John will be dating his daughter. Fred said that will never happen. He said he’d shoot out his kneecaps before he’d let that happen.

John mentioned that Ralph kept calling his house. Howard said Ralph should stop doing that because he’s on the air. He said Ralph should call the show if he wants to talk to him.

Howard asked John why he would trust Johnny Knoxville’s moonshine at the party. He said no one knows what the fuck was in that. He said Beth drank a bunch of it. John said that everyone drank it but Howard. Howard said they had a great time there at the party though.

John wondered if they had cleared everything up. He went through all of the subjects and said they were all cleared up. Howard said John really was upset that Mark McGrath didn’t know any songs. He said he came up to him after the band stuff and said that he was annoyed.

Ralph called in and said that John said that he has to stop worrying about this stuff so much and just have some fun. Howard said John can’t listen to Ralph. He said that Ralph thought he was an asshole for getting married. Ralph said that John also said that Jimmy is a ”Howard hog.” Howard asked what that means. John said that he does think that’s the case. Ralph said that Jimmy had Howard tied up all three nights out there. Howard said that somehow happened but that was Beth who lined it up.

Howard said John didn’t ask him out to dinner. John said he did. He asked to hang out by the pool. Howard said he doesn’t need to be in a bathing suit next to John Stamos. Howard said he cant believe that John called Jimmy a ”Howard hog.” Fred said he was sorry he went off on John because he just realized he’s upset about losing Howard to Jimmy.

Ralph said that John may not have said that in those exact words. John said that people are bullshitting. Ralph said he never said that Howard was an asshole for getting married. Ralph said Howard stopped the partying as soon as he met Beth and it wasn’t the marriage.

Howard asked Ralph about the t-shirt thing too. Ralph said that the t-shirts were stupid and no one cares if Joey Ramone used to wear them or not. Howard asked John if he thinks Ralph does a good job of dressing him. Howard thinks he does. John didn’t really say much about it.

Howard told John they’re square now. John said they’re always square. He said he just felt bad about this weekend. Howard asked John how he’s going to figure out whey he can’t fall in love. John said he’s going to therapy once a month. Howard asked how else he’s going to address it. John said he’ll talk to Howard about it.

John said he thinks that Howard gets everyone else to do his dirty work for him now. He said that’s what therapy has done for him. Howard said he has said plenty of bad things about John and that got him upset. John said that’s true. He said he thinks that Artie was the one who was doing his dirty work for a while when he was in there. Howard said he didn’t agree with what Artie would say when he used the N-word. John was reading way too much into this according to Howard.

Howard said John was goofing on Jimmy’s house. John said all he said was that it looked like the house he had when he was 18. Howard said that’s making fun of Jimmy’s house. John said maybe Howard can be friends with Jimmy and he’ll be friends with someone else.

Howard said he and John were going to go on vacation together. John said he was going to but he doesn’t want to go to Howard’s house. He wants to go out on a boat or something. Howard said he would do that in the winter but not in the summer.

Howard said he’s never had guys fight over him like this before. John said that he and Howard have nothing in common. John said they don’t watch the same shows, they don’t read the same books or anything like that. Howard asked why he likes him. John said he’s known him for 25 years. Howard told John to just ask him the key question and ask who he would save if the three of them were in a boat. Jimmy, Howard and John. Howard said he would actually kill John because that would send him up a notch. John said this was a fun phone call. He got up at 4:30 in the morning to do this.

John said he thinks that he’ll get married in the next 3-4 years. He said it won’t be Nikki. Nikki is mad at him right now. John asked who his favorite girl is. Ralph said it was Leah. John said she was there with him right now. Howard asked why John didn’t bring her to the party then. John didn’t answer. Ralph said that John was having a hard time deciding on who he was going to bring to the party. John said he brought Nikki because she had spent time with Howard and Beth and they liked her. Howard said he liked Leah too though.

Gary came in with an F, Marry Kill for Howard. It was John, Ralph and Jimmy. Howard said he would have to fuck John Stamos… hard, kill Ralph and marry Jimmy. Howard said John can’t commit so he can’t marry him. Howard said he loves Ralph but he can’t even invite him over to his house.

John said he heard what Ralph did to get kicked out of Howard’s house. Howard said Ralph has a lot of growing up to do. He said he has to watch what he says to people. Ralph said he was drunk. Robin made fun of him about that so Ralph said they don’t talk about what she does when she gets drunk. Robin didn’t want to go there.

Howard asked John if Nikki is the best lay of his life, and Leah is there with him, then she must not be the best lay of his life. John said that they’re equal. Howard said that’s not what he told him. Howard asked John if he’s in love with Leah. John said he is but then Howard asked why he was out with Nikki. John didn’t have an answer. John said he’s grateful for his life and he’s very happy. He knows he’s lucky and he couldn’t be luckier or happier.

Leah woke up so John put her on the phone. Howard asked Leah about John and why he says he’s in love with her but he can’t get married and be in a relationship. He asked her why she keeps going back. Leah said she has no idea. She said John is making her work for it. Howard asked if she can seal the deal. She said eventually she can. Ralph said she’s crazy too because she has a boyfriend. Leah said that’s over. Howard asked if it drives her crazy that John is dating. She said she’s seeing other people too. She said they don’t talk about that stuff.

Howard asked Leah if she would marry John tomorrow if he asked her to marry him. She said no but then said that if he asked her father’s permission she probably would. Howard asked if she’s seeing any other famous guys. She said that she’s not. Howard figured she’s dating some rich guys. Howard asked Leah if John is the best lay she’s ever had. Leah laughed. She said she has had the most fun with him. Howard asked if he has the biggest penis. She said she can’t say that. Howard said he thinks that he’s pretty big according to his wife. Howard said John was really fun when he was married. He was running around without any underpants on.

Howard said that it sounds like John isn’t the best lay of her life. She said that they’ll have to see about that. Howard asked if she was upset that she wasn’t at Jimmy’s party. She said she wasn’t upset. Howard asked if they made love last night. Leah said no. She said she was out at a concert. She saw Massive Attack. Howard asked if John is the oldest guy she’s dated. She said yes. Howard asked if she was a ”Full House” fan. She said she saw it in reruns. Howard said she’s just out of high school. She said it was 6 years out of high school. Howard said John used to drop her off at high school.

Howard asked Leah what she was wearing. She said she had to go but she was wearing a tank top and no bottoms. Howard said that was nice and told her to let it all air out. Howard asked how old her mom is. She said that she’s a couple years older than John.

John got back on the phone and Howard told him that she said his cock wasn’t the biggest she’s had. John called her back in the room to ask about that but Howard had to get going. He said he loves John and let him promote the Entourage thing. John told him to go easy on him this week. Howard said he didn’t know he was being so bad. Howard told him he has to want to be in love to fall in love. He wrapped up and let John go after that. Howard said that they got to the bottom of all of that stuff.

Howard said that Leah was at his wedding. Robin said she met her then. Howard said she’s got a sexy voice. He said he’s not sure who is having the better life, Woody Harrelson or John Stamos. He said he thinks it’s Stamos. Robin said most guys would want Stamos’ life. Howard said when he was single for those few months he was in bed with a famous woman. He said they spent the night together and she blew him. Howard said she turned to him and said she couldn’t believe that she was even liking him. Howard said John has never heard that. Howard said it was a shock to the woman that she was able to like him. Howard said he had to work a broad. John doesn’t have to do that. They went to break a short time later.

Russell Brand

Howard came back and had Russell Brand come in. Robin wondered how many times he had been on the show. Russell said it’s been twice. Howard said his wife thought that he dresses the way he does as a joke but Russell said that’s not the case. He said that he’s accentuating his sex organs.

Howard said he’s kind of a legendary cocksman. He said he was watching Russell when he started dating Katy Perry and he’s not sure if it’s going to last. Russell said that he’s pretty sure that it will last or he wouldn’t get married. Russell said that there is no chance of him having sex with Robin now that he’s getting married.

Howard asked Russell how he met Katy. Russell said that they were doing a scene in a movie together which is this movie he’s in to promote today. He said that they did this kissing scene and they stood on this balcony alone to practice and Katy just leaned in and they kissed each other. He said it was an unnecessary rehearsals but that’s what got the whole thing started.

Howard said that Russell was banging multiple chicks a day before that. Russell had guys picking women out for him. Russell said they had other jobs too. Russell said he had a lot of sexual energy to get out.

Howard said Russell must have figured he had the right to bang chicks and leave them crippled in his path. Russell said he tried not to cripple anyone. He said he wasn’t going around saying he was going to fuck their spines out. He said he would have called the medics if he knew he was going to paralyze them.

Howard asked Russell about how his buddies would go out and pick out the cute chicks for him. Russell said one of his guys is there today actually and he was very good at doing that job. Howard asked Russell if he was using the girls and the girls were using him so they both knew what they were getting into it. Russell said that is the way it was. He said orgasms were guaranteed.

Howard asked Russell about the way he was flirting with Katy at the MTV Video Music Awards the year after that scene on the movie set. Russell said he started to feel a bit lonely after banging all of these chicks. He said that it was one new chick after anther so he couldn’t carry on a conversation that he had the night before.

Howard said Katy is really cute and he understands the attraction but he wonders if he’s dating her because she is Katy Perry.

Russell told Howard that he was rehearsing for the show around that time and in the midst of the whole thing a bottle struck him on the head during rehearsal. He looked over and saw Katy standing there. He said she came on and was rude to him. He said his mates were laughing at her and he started to feel ill or something. He said that she was rehearsing too and she was still good even though she was doing it half hearted. He said she was being a smart ass and he loved it. Russell said that he joked about her as she was rehearsing too. He said she gave him a bracelet during rehearsal and she didn’t want it back because she wanted him to remember her. He said he didn’t need anything to remember her. He said that’s how all of this got started.

Howard asked who is worth more money. Russell said it’s got to be her. Howard asked if he’s banking on her being the money maker. Russell said he’s not planning on having a mediocre career himself. Howard said he does have a lot going on. He said he’s got 7 movies in the works. He’s working on a remake of the movie ”Arthur” and he has Helen Mirren playing his butler.

Howard asked Russell about some of Katy’s friends like Rihanna and Jay-Z. Howard wondered if his bachelor party is going to be thrown by Jay-Z. Russell said he’s pretty sure that won’t happen. He said that his bachelor party will probably be more mellow than that.

Howard asked Russell if he went out with Katy the first night she asked him out. He said he didn’t go with her. He didn’t want to be out of control of the evening so he asked her to go out to dinner the next night. Russell said she looked amazing that night they went out. Russell said he wore one of his belly shirts that night. Howard asked Russell if there were a lot of photographers out that night. Russell said there really weren’t.

Howard asked where they went after dinner. Russell said that they just went home after a kiss. He said they just kissed. He said that was very odd for him. Howard asked if he went for the tittie. Russell said he was filled with confusing feelings so he didn’t go for that. He said he was very confused. Russell said that he had this weird feeling for her and he didn’t know what to do.

Russell told Howard that he almost yelled out ”I love you!” to her on that first date. He said that’s the way he was feeling that night. He said he knew that he was going to marry her that night. Howard asked if he was doubting himself thinking it was just a crazy thought he was having. He has OCD so it could have had to do with that. Russell said that he does have that but he’s doing Transcendental Meditation now and that’s helping. He said that’s a great thing. Howard said he’s been doing TM for 36 years and that’s helped him too. Russell said he thinks that it’s helped him out with women too.

Howard asked Russell how long it took to get into Katy’s pants. Russell said now that he cares so much for her that he’s not sure he wants to give out that information. He said that it was a few weeks before they got together again. Russell said Katy called him up and told him that she was going on vacation to Thailand. He said meanwhile he was writing her letters and getting all romantic with her. He said he wrote on parchment with a feather. Russell said that there was this thing where she was making a music video in a fountain and meanwhile he was in a prison filming a movie with a rapist.

Howard asked what the love poems were about. Russell said he wrote to her about the video she was in when she was in a fountain. He said that he was telling her about how she was like a mermaid and he was drowning. Howard said he was a pussy for saying that so Russell jokingly took his headphones off and said that was enough.

Howard said he actually likes that he opened up like that. Howard said she could have turned on him and thought he was a pussy. Howard said that she could have thought that his poetry was shit. Russell said he’s English and they’re known for that kind of thing so it wasn’t shit.

Howard said that Katy’s parents are religious people and Russell has that rock star thing going on. Russell said that her parents are actually very lovely people. He said they get along just fine.

Howard asked Russell about why he asked Katy to marry him just 4 months into it. Howard asked if it was the sex. Russell said that they have some kind of spiritual connection. He said he felt this connection to this person and it was something very different for him. He said he likes to have sex with loads and loads of people but now he has someone he can trust. He said in the past if someone hurt him he’d just ask for more women to be brought to him.

Howard asked when he had multiple women before he met Katy. Russell said it was the day before. He said that he had two women. Howard said he heard that she was making out with John Mayer just the day before he met her. Russell said he didn’t know if that was true or not. He thinks that’s just speculation.

Howard asked Russell if he had to be tested before he was with Katy. Russell said he’s a very clean person. He said his nails are clean and showed them to Howard. Howard asked if Katy asked him to wear a rubber that first night. Russell said that was kind of private. He said he’s always been very careful with that kind of thing. He said that the love of this woman is something very special to him.

Howard said that they haven’t really known each other that long. Howard asked if her parents thought it was too soon. Russell said they thought it was a very good thing. Russell said they’re going to get married this year.

Howard told Russell that they have a rough time ahead of them. He said he’s going to be leaving Katy for two months. Russell said he is very busy. Howard asked how he’s going to handle that. He said it’s going to get weird after 2 weeks. Howard said he’s going to get suspicious and he’s going to think she’s going to be having fun without him.

Gary came in and said that Russell had to get going. Howard had to get in some plugs. Howard said he wasn’t doing a good job of that. He said that he’s in ”Get Him To The Greek” which comes out on June 4th. He plays the same character that he played in ”Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” Howard gave him some plugs for the soundtrack album too and for his book which is out in paperback now (My Booky Wook: A Memoir of Sex, Drugs, and Stand-Up).

Howard asked Russell about his OCD before he wrapped up. Russell was also telling him about the video he directed for one of the songs from the soundtrack. Howard threw out a few more quick questions before they dragged Russell out of there. Gary came in and told Howard Russell’s people were flipping out. Howard tried to wrap up again and Russell got in a plug for his web site RussellBrand.tv.

Howard kept asking questions and Russell wanted to stay. They kept talking even though his people were freaking out. Howard asked if he would be invited to the wedding. When he said he probably wouldn’t show up Russell said that he’s invited. Howard wrapped up and let him go after that.

Ashton Kutcher in studio with Howard Stern

Howard said that he didn’t think Ashton was going to make it in there after the band rehearsal they had over the weekend. Ashton said that Howard was actually good at playing.

Howard said Ashton isn’t feeling well and he’s losing his voice. He said that they partied pretty heavily that night but Ashton and his wife, Demi Moore, went out to play pool at some place. Howard said he thinks that he just needs sleep. Ashton said they slept for like 5 hours. Howard said he needs more than that.

Howard talked about the man purse that Ashton has and how it’s like a pussy magnet. Ashton said that there were only two scripts in there and they were the same script. He said that one was just a rewrite of the script.

Howard said he looks like a monster standing next to Ashton and John Stamos and those guys. Howard said he told Beth he looks like a monster and it’s horrible. Ashton said Howard had a whole look going on out there. He said his hair is one thing and then he had the guitar going on and he was playing the guitar with his chin with the tiny strap they had on that thing.

Howard said they should go over the guest list for that party. He said that Ashton must go out to parties like that all the time. Ashton said the good thing about that party is that there were no assholes there. He said that he was probably the biggest asshole there.

Howard said he felt like he was part of Hollywood because of that party. Jimmy set it all up for him. He said that it was a great party too.

Howard said they had this band set up out at Jimmy’s place and they had a bunch of guys playing together. Howard said it was him, John Stamos and Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray playing. Then John was getting upset with the band. He said David Arquette was playing trumpet and there were some people from Kimmel’s band. Stamos was upset that he was the best musician there according to Ashton. Stamos got pissed and didn’t want to play because they couldn’t decide on a song. Howard said that’s the only song he knows. He said he was playing that song and Stamos got mad that everyone was such a bad musician. He was even upset with Mark McGrath.

Howard said that Johnny Knoxville was at the party with his wife. Ashton said that guy is looking really old from beating himself up so much. He said that he’s a mess but he’s so polite all the time. Howard said he’s still putting the catheter up his penis twice a day. He said Johnny pulled out a jar of moonshine for them to try. Howard said that he didn’t even know what he meant. He said that Johnny’s cousin’s make this stuff and he took a smell. He said Demi told him he was a pussy and he should drink that crap. Howard said he had never felt such peer pressure before. Howard said Courteney Cox was drinking the stuff so she told him to man up too. Howard said he’s such a woman that he didn’t ant to drink it. He said that’s probably why Johnny looks 80 years old.

Howard said that Ashton was good on piano up there playing in the band. Demi was a good singer too. Ashton said she can do whatever she wants to do.

Howard asked Ashton about what he’s into now with trying to get rid of human trafficking. Ashton said he saw a report on one of these TV shows and he started doing research into it and he found out some information about it and it was shocking. He said ti’s like a $32 billion industry. He said that it was kind of heavy for a morning show discussion.

Howard asked Ashton about going out to the party. Ashton said they don’t do that kind of stuff a lot. Howard said that they had a lot of people there. He said that Jeff Probst flew in for it and then flew back out to do the Survivor finale show. Howard said he had a good time busting Jeff’s balls there. He said he’ll talk about that later on.

Howard gave Ashton some more plugs for his movie ”Killers” and talked to him about working with Katherine Heigle. He asked if she’s a pain in the ass to work with like people say. Ashton said she was fine with him. He said she may have had an issue during the shooting of one movie and it just didn’t go away.

Howard asked Ashton about a picture he saw of him making out with Natalie Portman. Ashton said that’s for a movie and it’s like free cheating. He said Demi is cool with it and they’re still having a great sex life. Howard asked how he instigates sex and how they keep it fresh. Ashton said that it’s sexting which is sending sexy texts. Robin asked if they send pictures. Ashton said that they will send pictures but not necessarily the penis. Ashton said he’ll just text her and tell her that he’s going to ”ruin her” when he gets home. Things like that.

Howard asked Ashton how old he was when he got married. Ashton said he was 25 which is pretty old for a guy from Iowa. Howard asked how old he was when he started modeling. Ashton said he was 19. Howard asked if that’s a tough job. Ashton said it is kind of tough.

Howard said when a man models they don’t really do a lot. Ashton said you don’t feel that good about doing it. He said that it’s like getting a jigsaw puzzle that’s already done. He said you don’t get much out of it.

Howard said that women don’t seem to be turned on to male models. Ashton said that’s true. He said getting the job on TV helped.

Howard read about how Ashton had gotten into some trouble when he broke into his school and got caught. Howard said he did something kind of like that. Ashton said that they were stealing pencils and stuff out of the vending machines.

Howard asked Ashton if he’s still into the kabbalah thing. Ashton said they’re both into it still. He said he still studies it. Howard asked what it is to do a kabbalah wedding ceremony. Ashton told him a little bit about it but he told Howard he’s not Jewish. Howard said he doesn’t understand that. Ashton said he thinks that organized religion is kind of dumb. He said he believes there is a god and things like that. He said he doesn’t like to follow the rules that the church has.

Howard asked Ashton about Natalie Portman. Ashton said she’s kind of short so they look like they’re different species when they stand next to each other. Ashton said that he had to kiss her in the scene they did and he had to lift her up. Howard asked if he got turned on. Ashton said he did. He said that he and Katherine Heigle had a kissing scene and he had to kiss her boobs or something. Howard said that’s why relationships don’t last out there in Hollywood.

Robin said that Ashton and Demi seem to be doing just fine. Howard said they did look pretty tight. Ashton said Demi is his best friend.

Howard said they might have to start a band. He said he would book it on a talk show. Howard said that would be funny. They could do ”Louie Louie” together.

,Howard asked Ashton about doing sex scenes and if he gets a boner with someone like Natalie Portman. Ashton said that when he shot that movie ”Spread” he was doing sex scenes all day long for like 7 days in a row and he got sick of it. Howard asked if he can tell Demi when he does get turned on. Ashton said he can do that because she really is like his best friend.

Howard asked Ashton about his brother not being at his wedding. Ashton said his brother is married to someone who sold a bunch of stories to the tabloids and he didn’t want her being there. Ashton said his brother wasn’t too happy about that but he had to leave her out of it. Ashton told him that she was a psycho and now they’re divorced. Howard asked what his brother does for a living. Ashton said his brother sells 401K’s. He said he’s a good looking guy but he doesn’t think he’s as good looking as him. He said his bother is a great guy though.

Howard said Ashton is a young guy and he’s having an incredible life. Ashton said it is pretty good. Howard asked if he gets carried away with himself or is he grounded. Ashton said that studying the kabbalah helps keep him grounded. He said Demi keeps him in his place too. He said he does the same for her.

Ashton said that he was on the verge of getting out of control with women when he met Demi. He said he wasn’t being nice and he was abusing it and then he met Demi. He said he shut the spigot off and things could have really gone bad. He said he could have O.D.’d on it. He said that it was getting close to getting into something really bad.

Ashton said he would be honest with the women about not wanting a relationship and they seemed to be okay with it but he knew that they wanted to change that. He said that he was kind of abusive with that. He said then he met Demi and she saved his ass. He said he met her through a mutual friend. He said she thought he was a douche bag when they met. Ashton said he was taking a shower when she came over. Ashton said he came out without his shirt on. She was making a call to her youngest daughter at the time. He said he heard her talking to her daughter and he wanted to be with a person like that based on the way she was talking to her. He said that was it for him.

Howard asked Ashton if he knew it was a move to come out without the shirt on. Ashton said it was a move. Howard asked Ashton if he has a small penis. Ashton said he wouldn’t say that but he’s not in demand or anything.

Howard asked Ashton about Demi and if she didn’t want to take him seriously romantically. Ashton said she didn’t. He said that he’s not even sure how he proved to her that he was into her. He just hung in there. Howard asked how long it took to get into her pants. Ashton said it took a while. Howard asked if it was weeks or months. He wasn’t saying exactly how long it was but it wasn’t more than a month.

Howard figured it was the second night but Ashton made it sound like it wasn’t that quick. He said they did make out on the second date. Ashton said she had to fly out the second day and she got stuck there because of the weather. He said they hung out for the second night and then she flew out for a week.

Howard said Demi was very supportive of him in the band they were in. Robin asked about Bruce Willis being at their wedding. Howard said that he doesn’t understand how Bruce Willis was at the wedding. Ashton said that Bruce is a great guy and he’d hang out with him any day. He said he’s pretty sure Bruce would like the show. Gary said he thinks that he has a problem with him. Howard didn’t get into that but Gary said that Stuttering John did an interview with him one time and he was kind of upset for some reason.

Howard asked Ashton about a pre-nup with Demi. Ashton said they don’t have one. They have a joint account and they have their own separate accounts. He said they have their own properties and they have purchased stuff together too.

Howard gave Ashton some more plugs for this movie he’s in and he talked to him about his Twitter followers. He said that Ashton has like 4 million followers on there now. Ashton said he has like 4 and a half million. He said he’s also thinking that this Foursquare thing is taking off. Howard said Ashton made Tweeting a huge thing and asked if they have offered him any money or thanked him for making them huge. Ashton said it bothered him for a while but now he doesn’t care so much.

Gary came in and told Howard that Ashton has to get going. He’s on his way to do Regis and Kelly. Howard told Ashton he should squat out a big dump on the show like Beth’s dog did on there last week.

Artie is ‘still in bed and not speaking more than five words a day.’

Artie Lange’s whereabouts and current mental status are now officially known-but the news isn’t great.

An interview Artie Lange did with Penthouse Magazine before his suicide attempt was released Wednesday, and included the first family-approved update on where and how well the Howard Stern Show sidekick is recuperating.

The Penthouse article stated:

“Lange has been laying low since the suicide attempt, spending time with his mother Judy and his sister Stacey, who reports that Artie is ‘still in bed and not speaking more than five words a day.’ Artie’s sister canceled his shows in Las Vegas and at Foxwoods, as well as a few club dates for New York that were scheduled for June and July.”

Man Boob Contest

Howard sang a little bit and started naming the judges using their middle names. He mentioned Gary Patrick Dell’Abate, Arthur Steven Lange and Fred Eric Norris. They spent a little time on that subject before Howard pointed out that Benjy is eating a ton of salad over there at his desk. He said that he thinks that just because salad is good for you that you can eat a ton of it. He said he wasn’t going to let him judge, he changed his mind.

Howard said that he might get everyone’s opinion on the contest once they get started. He asked Fred if they had any theme music. They had nothing. Howard said that the first contestant was Shane. Shane came in and Howard said he’s a good looking guy but he doesn’t appear to be that fat. Shane said he’s about 260 pounds and 5’10” tall. He said he’s had the bitch tits since he was born. They’ve gotten bigger as he got heavier though.

Shane said that he was told that he’d always have them even if he got operated on. He said that they could come back even if he had them operated on. He said that they used to play games in school and he’d hate to play shirts vs. skins. He said that his coach would make him be skins even if he asked him not to make him do that.

Shane said that he’s unemployed right now because of a DUI he got. He was a truck driver and ended up losing his job over that DUI. He said he was separated from his wife and quite depressed. He said that he put her in a couple of head locks but never hit her or anything. He said that there were a few things that didn’t look right with the relationship. He said that he could see her bra when they were at a car dealer and thought that she was flirting with the salesman. He said he may have gotten a little carried away with her and did some stuff to her. He said that it was a little more than a head lock. He said that he may have called her some names and spit on her.

Shane talked about a dog he had that was shitting all over the place. He said that he was actually fired from one job because of his dog shitting on the property of another place. He told them that story and then a story about the dog shitting in his mother’s house. He said that he ended up slipping in the shit and piss and ended up spiking the dog into the ground like a football. He said that he might have a problem with his temper. Howard told the guy he can’t take it out on the dog or his wife.

Howard said that Shane seems to be a little obsessive and possessive. He said that she’s taking some time away from him right now but they’ll probably work things out. Howard asked if the wife laughed at his titties. Shane laughed and said that no woman has ever said anything negative about his chest to his face.

Howard had Shane take off his shirt so they could see his boobs. He took it off and the guys were shocked at how big they were. Howard asked if they had a bra there that they could have him try on. Howard asked how big his cup size would be if he was a woman. He didn’t know. Howard had him put on a bikini top so they could see what he looks like. Gange said that it was a size Large that they were giving him. He put the top on and got a few laughs from the guys. Shane said that some women like to play with his boobs like they’re women’s boobs. Howard said that he knows this guy has done some bad things but he seems like a nice guy other than that.

Howard said that Shane’s areola’s and nipples were really big too. The Howard TV guys shot him with some oil so his boobs would shine. Howard told the judges to remember Shane as they moved on to Jeffrey.

Up next was Jeffrey who claims he’s always had man boobs no matter how much he worked out. Jeffrey said that he was able to get his weight down in college but his boobs were always there. He said that he thinks that it was genetics that gave him the boobs. He said that he’s 27 and has a girlfriend. He said that his girlfriend is quite busty as well and she’ll pinch his boobs when he does that to hers and he’s really not into that.

Jeffrey said that he’s been listening to Howard since he was 8 years old. He said that his father introduced him to the show and he’s been listening ever since. Jeffrey said that Shane was looking like something out of National Geographic. He threw in a plug for his blog at Gwgreality.blogspot.com

Howard asked Jeffrey to reveal his boobs after that. He said that his boobs weren’t near the size of Shane’s. He did have some pepperoni pizza nips though. Shane was making fun of him even though he’s got bigger boobs than this guy. Howard told Jeffrey to go stand over next to Shane.

Up next was Gary who was close to 400 pounds. He was their first white contestant. Gary said that he’s engaged to be married and the boobs haven’t stopped him from getting women. He said that this is going to be his third marriage. He said that he was the one who dumped the wives too. He said that he had a lazy second wife and the first one looked like a mess.

Howard told Gary that he might have a shot there from what he could see under his robe. Gary got in a plug for his buddies in the Lost Dutchman Motorcycle Club out in Arizona. He and Howard spent a minute talking about the riding club. Howard said he would never challenge a motorcycle club like that and he can’t imagine who would.

Howard asked Gary if he’s been in bar fights and stuff. Gary said that he has and he’s had his ass beaten and he’s beaten some asses. He said that he’s going to buy a new Harley if he wins this contest today.

Howard said it was time to see Gary’s boobs. He opened up his robe and revealed the giant man boobs. Artie asked him where he gets his jeans. He has a 62 inch waist. Artie is at a 55 already so he’s not that far off. Howard asked Gary if he looks at Artie and thinks he’s a thin guy. Gary said ”no” to that.

Howard said that Gary’s boobs were bigger than Shane’s were. He said that they were nice and wondered if he had ever put on a bra top. He said he hadn’t so they got a bikini top for him. They had a C-cup size for him but it may not be big enough for him. His boobs were falling out of the top and the guys were talking about how his boobs actually went all the way around his body. Gary was saying that he used to do meth and got down to about 200 pounds but he still had the boobs.

Howard brought in the final contestant, Alex, and Artie said that they had a winner. Alex said that he listens to the show every day and he weighs more than 300 pounds. He said that he likes to eat a lot of ham and turkey and stuff like that. He likes hot wings too. He doesn’t have a girlfriend but he did have a girl at one time. He said that she said no to him when he asked her to marry him. Alex said he’s 43 now and he last got laid when he was 18. Robin said that’s some slump.

Howard asked Alex what he does for sex. Alex said he beats off in the shower so it goes right down the drain. He said that he gets porn from a friend of his and he likes titties. Alex said that he would like to get a woman right now but he hasn’t had one in 25 years.

Alex is disabled and said that he can’t work. He had a job at his dad’s work but things didn’t work out. Gary told Howard that he was saying that he was a virgin when he was out in the green room. Alex said that was true. He tried to put his dick in a woman but she said no. He said that he got smacked. Artie was cracking up right from the time this guy walked into the studio so there must have been something going on with him that was odd. He had a strange way of talking and had an odd giggle that he kept doing.

Howard asked Alex some questions about his man boobs and if he plays with them thinking that it must be like playing with a woman’s. He said he does do that. He also said that he goes to the beach and doesn’t care what people think. Howard said he likes his attitude.

Howard asked Alex if he’s a slow adult. He said that he is. He can read and spell but he couldn’t come up with an answer to 2+7. Howard told Alex that he seemed like a nice guy. He hadn’t thrown a dog into the ground or put a woman in a headlock.

Howard asked Alex to open up his robe and show his boobs. Howard said they were the biggest titties he’d ever seen. Benjy let out an ”Oh my god!” Howard said that he was going to have a hard time with the judging. He said that Jeffrey was the only one who didn’t have a chance against the rest of the guys.

Howard wondered who was the biggest. He was thinking that Alex was the biggest. Everyone checked them out and then Howard asked him to put on a bikini top. He tried to stuff them in but his nip was sticking out the bottom.

Alex was there with a handler and he has to keep an eye on him while he’s out. Alex said that he can get into some trouble when he’s out on his own. Gary said that they could bring that guy in if he wanted. Howard told him to bring him in.

Gary brought in this guy Albert who handles Alex. Albert was the guy who got him into the contest. He said that he’s a great dude but he can overeat and he’s a diabetic so he has to keep an eye on him. Gary asked if they could leave him alone in a house for 3 days. They can’t do that. Artie said that he could use a handler himself based on what he just said.

Howard said that all of these guys had jeans that fit, unlike Artie’s. Howard said that he was going to go to Robin first and ask her to make her pick. Robin picked Alex. Alex said that he’s going to buy clothes with the money if he wins. Gary asked if this contest is based on size. He said that Alex had the biggest of them all but Shane’s were the most woman like. He wasn’t sure what they were going for there. Howard didn’t know either.

Howard said that Gary and Alex had the biggest boobs but Shane had a real cup there. Gary went with Alex after going through some thoughts on what they should be going for. Howard went to Fred next. Fred said that this is tough and it’s not the slam dunk contest that he thought it was going to be. He said that it was a very tough choice. He was going between Alex and Shane. Shane’s boobs were the prettiest of them all. He had to go with Alex.

Howard moved on to Artie who said that he wanted to see Gange’s again first. Howard told him he’s not in the contest. Artie went on to say that he thinks that the really fat guys could lose some weight and he had to go with Shane because he has a real problem.

Howard went to Will next and asked him who he thought should win. Will said that he had to go with Shane because he has real ”boobs.” Howard said he was still confused by this Alex guy and how he almost had this woman. He asked what had gone on that day and how close he came. He said that he had the woman naked and played with her boobs but he didn’t get to blow his load.

Howard gave Benjy a shot to give his vote. Benjy told Jeffrey he didn’t have a shot. He said that if Alex got his nipples centered it would help his boobs out a lot. He had to go with Shane.

Howard said that it was tied at that point so he was going to break the tie. He had the guys do some jumping jacks and that led to Artie laughing his ass off. Howard told Gary that he was out of the contest but he was leaning toward voting for him. He said that he had to pick one of the two in the tie. He ended up picking Alex over Shane even though he had such nice tits. He said that he’s got better tits than a lot of women do. They put a wig on him and Artie said he looked like Oprah.

Alex was the winner so Howard told Shane that maybe they could give him a second prize or something. Gary said that they did have $500 cash for each of the guys who didn’t win. That was courtesy of Bee Ceuticals.