Monthly Archives: September 2011

Artie and Nick sign 3-year radio deal

Artie Lange’s return to radio is paying off for him and partner Nick DiPaolo … BIG time — because TMZ has learned the comedy duo will rake in a total of about 3 MILLION bucks!

We’re told Artie and Nick just inked 3-year deals for a nationally syndicated radio show premiering Monday, October 3. Sources involved in the deal say each of them will make more than 500K per year of the deal — and it’s going to be called “The Nick and Artie Show.”

The show will focus on sports and entertainment — and we’re told Artie’s already describing it like this: “Imagine two hosts from SportsCenter … if they were under indictment.”


Howard Stern Look-alike

Howard came back and said he had this guy Ron coming in. He’s in his 60s but he looks like him in the 80s. Robin said the guy might look kind of like him. Howard asked how old Ron is. Ron was having trouble with his headphones so Howard had to have Gary help.

Howard said he heard from someone who said they thought they saw him on 19th street in short shorts. Howard said it turns out it was this guy. Howard said he does kind of look like him and it annoys him.

Howard asked what he does for a living. Ron said he writes scripts. He said he’s working on some stuff now and he had an option for a Danny DeVito project at one point.

Howard said that Ron sounds like he’s got dry mouth. He told him to drink some water. Ron said he’s not sure why he looks like him. He said it might be more of a vibe than anything. Howard said the guy has sunglasses and he has long hair and he’s obviously trying to look like him. Ron said he had this look before Howard ever did. He said he’s 68 years old. He has a wife and two kids too. Howard told him that the short shorts aren’t working for him. He said that he should wear cargo pants. Howard said the guys thought he might be gay based on the shorts he was wearing.

Howard said Ron claims he was out at a bar and a woman thought he was Howard Stern and told him that she masturbates thinking about him. Howard said that never even happens to him. Ron said he doesn’t think he’s a bad looking guy and he has no problem getting laid. Howard said he was banging actresses and models when he was single.

Howard asked Ron if he ever gets a girl who thinks he’s Howard Stern. Ron said he would never do that. He said it’s kind of creepy. Howard agrees. He said that it is creepy. Howard asked if he has a big schlong. Ron said he does actually. He said he was told that he has a small one and he found it weird. Howard said he would never show it to anyone. He said his career would be over. Ron said he must have shown it. Howard said Fred is the only one and only because he blows him.

Howard said Ron came there to the building and security let him in with an ID. Howard said Ron claims the woman said ”you forgot it again” and gave him a pass. Ron said she just gave it to him. Ron said he didn’t want to get her in trouble. He said that he didn’t have to show any ID or anything. Howard said he went shopping with his daughter the other day and he didn’t have any ID on him. He said that the woman knew who he was but she was right to ask for ID.

Howard said Ron dropped off a script at Don Buchwald’s office and the secretary thought that Ron was him. She asked him if he wanted to say hi to Don. He said that’s so weird. Howard said that Mary Louise Parker approached him thinking that he was Howard too. Ron said she was very sweet and nice. Ron said that she went on and on and he had to break the news to her that he wasn’t him. She baked away and apologized to him.

Howard said Ron met Tony Bennett and Bryant Gumble. Howard said he knows those guys and they still thought that he was Howard Stern. Howard said that he has to stop wearing the short shorts. Howard said people think he’s wearing those shorts. He said he has to dress the guy.

Howard said Toni came to him and said that her friend saw him wearing short shorts and it wasn’t him. It was this guy. Howard said he hopes that Ron tips well.

Howard said Ron seems like a nice guy and all but this is creepy. Robin asked what he did for a living before script writing. He said he had a rock band but they weren’t very well known. Howard said he seems to have a nice lifestyle. Ron said he was a music director on Another World too. Howard said he should send Ron to his parent’s house and see if he fools them. Howard said he was thinking of trying to fool Dave Navarro but he doesn’t think that would work.

Howard said that he should have him take meetings with Scott Greenstein. He said he needs a double to do that kind of thing. Howard asked if he likes being like him. Ron said it’s easy to not do it. He said when he got annoyed with it in the past he’d just cut his hair short. He said he can just put it up in a pony tail and people don’t mistake him. Howard said he really does look like him and he has to stop wearing those shorts. He said they look gay.

Howard said he doesn’t need a shot of him blowing a guy or something and spreading around. Ron said he might go to a gay bar just for the hell of it. Howard said he should just cut his hair. Ron said he’s going to burn the shorts as soon as he gets home. Howard said he should cut his hair shorter at least. He said he seems like a nice enough guy.

Howard took a call from a guy who said that this asshole doesn’t even listen to the show and he’s getting all of the benefits of looking like Howard. He said he must be gay with those shorts too. Howard said he doesn’t think he’s gay.

Ron said he’s writing a screenplay called ”Becoming Howard” and he thinks that it’s really good. Ron said that Howard could play two parts in the movie. He said he could play himself and evil Howard. He said he had a 3 page script if he wanted to read it. Howard said he thinks that the audience has had enough of him.

>Howard took some more calls and ended up going off on Ron about the clothes. He said he really has to dress better. He doesn’t want people to think he’s him wearing that stuff. Howard said this is fucking him up in the head because he meets people that know him and he’s not recognizing them so they think that he doesn’t remember them. Ron said that he ran into Bryant Gumble in a supermarket and he did tell him that he wasn’t Howard after he said he didn’t recognize him. Ron said that Bryant came up to him and said hi like he recognized him and he just said he forgot his name. Howard sounded floored by that. He said that he has to tell these people he’s not Howard Stern. Howard said if a strange man comes up to him and says hi he should tell them that he’s not Howard Stern. Ron said that’s not the first thing that comes to mind. Howard said it’s no wonder Bryant is blowing him off. He said he snubbed a guy he knows. He said he really doesn’t like this and it’s creeping him out.

Howard and Robin said that he has to change his clothes. Ron said he was going to get a t-shirt that says ”I’m Not Him.” Howard said he just has to tell people that he’s not Howard Stern. Ron said that he would cut his hair if he did his screenplay.

Ron said he has a web site coming up for his screenplay ”Becoming Howard.” He said you can find that on Twitter and Facebook. Howard said that he wishes him luck with everything. Howard said that he really would like him to dress better and not let people think that he’s Howard Stern. Howard wrapped up and wished him the best in life. He said he knows how he feels looking like this. They went to break a short time later.

Tony Bennett ‘We Caused 9/11′

Legendary crooner Tony Bennett, 85, appeared on Howard Stern’s Sirius XM show on Monday night to promote his upcoming release “Duets II.” The conversation took a bizarre turn after Stern asked Bennett, a veteran of World War II, how the United States should deal with the terrorists who were responsible for destroying the World Trade Center.

Bennett: ”Are we the terrorists or are they the terrorists? Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Stern: They are the ones who started it — flying that plane into the World Trade Center. What do you do?

Bennett: I don’t know about that.

Stern: Are you one of those conspiracy guys who actually thinks they didn’t fly the plane…that the government started it?

Bennett: They flew the plane in but we caused it.

Stern: Why?

Bennett: Because we were bombing them and they told us to stop.

Bennett then went on to describe an encounter with President George W. Bush at the Kennedy Center in 2005 where Bennett was being honored. Regarding the war in Iraq, “He told me personally that night that, he said, ‘I think I made a mistake,’” said Bennett.

Bennett told Stern he believed that the president made the revelation because “he had a special liking to me.”

Late Tuesday afternoon, Bennett released a statement saying “I am sorry if my statements suggested anything other than an expression of my love for my country, my hope for humanity, and my desire for peace throughout the world.”

Big Balls John

Howard said their next guest is John and he suffers from large scrotal edema. In other words, he has huge balls. Howard asked how long it’s going to take him to get in there. He said it must take a while with those huge things. Howard had him come in and Sal and Jim played AC/DC’s “Big Balls.”

John came in and told Howard to please be patient with him while he sets up there. He said he has a milk crate there and he has to put his balls on a pillow inside the milk crate. He said that it has to hold them. Howard said it sounds exhausting. John was out of breath. Howard asked how long it would take to walk to a scale. John said he could get there in a short time. Howard asked how much they weigh. John said that the last time he weighed them they were 72 pounds. Howard had John go over to get them weighed.

John said that he’s worried about being a sucky guest. He’s willing to do whatever they want. Howard said that he just wants to get the balls weighed. Howard had the guys do that for him. Howard said those things must be the biggest balls ever. John said he hasn’t contacted Guiness yet.

Howard had the guys help him out and they weighed in at 145 pounds. Howard said that he’s not standing on the scale so it has to be the balls. John asked Robin if she ever saw anything like this when she was a nurse. Robin said she has seen edema of the balls but not like this.

Howard asked John how long he’s had this condition. John said he’s had for quite a while now. John said that he keeps them covered and there are people who stare at him. He said he lives in Las Vegas. Howard asked how he makes a living. John was wheezing and said that every action he does is exhausting. Howard asked what age he was when he started with this. Robin said that they weren’t 150 pounds.

John said he started with this a few years ago. He said that he knew something was wrong and he had to get something done immediately. Howard asked if he had a nice life before this. John said not really. He said he wasn’t a very attractive person. He said he was born with a desire for women that dance in gentleman’s clubs in Las Vegas. Howard asked if he ever got laid before this happened. John said that when you look like him you come to adjust. He said it’s like living a good life and then you’re scooped up and taken off to prison like Bernie Madoff.

John said that he was always a chubby child when he was growing up. Howard asked if the weight has something to do with the balls being so huge. John said no. John said that there is probably no other entertainment medium like Howard’s show that has so many men listening. John said that when it’s chilly out your ball sack contracts. He said that sometimes they get loose and your balls spread apart. He said one morning he got up and his balls were actually kind of big to begin with. He said one morning he got up and he got up in a hurry. John said he slammed his right leg down on his right ball that the lymph node crushed. He said that it was from that blow to the nuts that it blew up. Robin said that the fluid must be only able to go in and not get out.

Ralph called in to laugh at what was going on. He asked if there were any pictures. Howard said they had one up on their Twitter @SternShow. Howard asked how long they took to get this large. John said that he’s a very strong man mentally and he would never kill himself. Howard said that a lot of people might do that. Howard asked if he has seen a doctor. John said he couldn’t get to the emergency room fast enough.

Howard asked John what he was doing for a living before the accident. John said he was scouting throughout Las Vegas for businesses that could use ATM machines. He said that he was getting commissions on that. John said that it was feast or famine. He said he was getting by but just barely. John said that now he’s on assistance but back then he wasn’t.

Howard asked what happened when he got to the emergency room. John said that morning he went through his day. He started feeling the pain as the day went on and then the next morning he got up and his ball was the size of a soccer ball. He went to the emergency room and he was put on antibiotics. He said that he went through this 2 week process to get the antibiotic through his body. Nothing happened so he went back to the hospital. He said they tried something else and went through two more weeks of that. Robin asked what the infection was and why they prescribed antibiotics. John said he doesn’t know. He said that he went to the emergency room and told them he had blood in his pee. He said that when they heard that they told him he was in luck because the doctor would be in the next day. John said he stayed in the hospital that night and expected the guy to come in on Monday. The doctor didn’t show up until Thursday afternoon.

Howard said he’s be freaking out if he had to wait that long. John said that the doctor told him he was going to send him across the street because there was nothing he could do for him. John said he spent 4 days and 4 nights and didn’t get one x-ray or anything. John said they want to do the bare minimum for you if you don’t have health insurance.

Howard asked John what happened when he went to the surgery place. John said they gave him an appointment for two months later. Howard was shocked by that. John said he had to stay at home for those two months. Howard asked if it was painful. John said it’s not constant pain but he gets a stinging sensation down there. He said that he was getting that from his anal cavity because the skin was breaking down there. Howard asked how he takes a shit. John said he has to put a slot machine bucket back there and collect his shit that way. He said he has to do that over a sink because he can’t sit on a toilet.

Howard said that he could get him into porn if he wants. John said he doesn’t think anyone would want him. Howard said he could get him in. John said that a less strong person would have killed themselves. Howard said he might be right.

John said as the ball sack grew it sucked in his dick. He said it’s basically sucked it in and made it into a cunt hole. He said that the doctor told him that he has no testosterone in his system now. He said the doctors were stumped and they didn’t know what to do.

Gary came in and asked if he’s going to show it to them. He said Gerard Butler is there but he has no idea what’s going on.

John took out his giant ball and showed it to them. Gary thought some smoke came out of there. John said he had some baby powder on it. Howard said it was wrapped in some sort of sheath. It was like an Ace bandage or something. Howard asked what the doctor said when he looked at it. John revealed his balls and all of the guys in the studio were all cringing and yelling ”Oh!” and ”Oh my god!” Then he showed where his penis was supposed to be. He showed where the bottom of his dick was and how it was shoved inside his ball sack.

John said the pee just kind of dribbles out like the water at the 9/11 memorial at ground zero. Howard asked what the doctor said to him. John said he finally saw a surgeon and the guy said it was beyond his pay grade. He said he was told to go to his general physician and told to start from square one. John said he’s not on any public assistance and he had to concentrate on making a living. He didn’t bother doing anything because of it. Howard said Sal should let him tea bag him. Sal said he’d do it. He figured it would smother him to death so he’d be up for it.

Gary asked if they could send John out the other exit since Gerard Butler’s people were out there. Howard said he doesn’t care. He said that John will walk out the normal door. John asked if he would escort him. Howard said no to that but he would let him walk out the regular door.

John said he has an appointment tomorrow at UCLA. He said that he’s a cash customer and he needs some cash to get that work done. He said that Dr. Leonard Marx is the one he’s going to be seeing. John said that they hope to be able to save his penis and balls but that’s not guaranteed. He said that they’ve suggested cutting them both off. John said that one guy said the only way he could take care of this is to remove everything from the back to the front and he may not be able to use his penis even after that. He said that he will never be able to have sex or use his penis again.

Howard asked what the name of this thing is. John said that they say it’s a large scrotal edema. That’s all they’ve said about it. He said he calls it a ball sack syndrome. Howard said that it’s sad that he has to walk around with a milk create to hold them in. Howard asked if he gets any sleep. John said he actually sleeps well. Last night he didn’t because he had cramps all over. He said that had to beat off all of these attempted for the cramps to come.

Howard asked why John grew a moustache. John said he’s had it since high school. Howard said he’d just say fuck it and just shave it off.

Howard asked John how he flew there. John said that he came on Jet Blue and they’re the best airline around. He said he had to go to the bathroom once and it was tough. He said he can’t even turn around in the bathroom.

Howard asked what he needs the doctor to do. John said that he would like the work done for free but he can’t count on that. John said he needs donations because it’s probably going to be over $100,000. He said that if he could move to California then he could get on Medi-Cal to help pay for it. Howard said he has to move on to Gerard Butler but he’d like to talk to him more about this. He said he would like him to call in on Monday and let them know what’s going on. John said he would do that.

John asked Howard if he would do him one favor. He said he hasn’t heard the show for more than 5 minutes since they moved there. He said that he loves it when Howard and the guys fight and banter back and forth like when Robin does the news. He said he hasn’t heard that news since 2006 and he’d like to sit in for that today. Howard said he’ll see about that. He has to get Gerard in there first. Howard went to break a short time later.