America’s Judge Howard Stern first night live

It appears, if Stern were to have his way, that he and he alone would determine which four of the 12 acts will move on to the next round. The show’s newest judge, who brayed at the outset of this first live show that he was “unedited” and “ready,” pulled no punches in his critical assessments Monday, telling one poor musician who had the audacity not to impress him by playing instruments made from household objects that his act was “annoying” and his home (seen in a video pre-roll) looked “creepy.”

“Look, you know—sometimes a baseball bat is a baseball bat and that’s all it’s good for. Sometimes a shovel is so you can dig your own grave—which, you did that tonight. . Michael, we all love your story. You’re in your house there. It looks sort of creepy—that place where you invent all the instruments. I don’t know what’s going on over at that house.

But, you know, look—the funny thing about this is if you play the baseball bat it’s still got to sound like a good instrument. That is a crummy instrument. It’s annoying and horrible and horrible sounding. If I was a priest I would read you the last rites right now. You are not going to be moving on tomorrow night. America will not vote for you. I can assure you of this, but it was a pleasure knowing you and you gave it your best, and good luck with the vacuum cleaner. If you could bring it over to my house and clean up a little I’d appreciate it…Go home. Stare at the wall. Invent something.”

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