Ashton Kutcher in studio with Howard Stern

Howard said that he didn’t think Ashton was going to make it in there after the band rehearsal they had over the weekend. Ashton said that Howard was actually good at playing.

Howard said Ashton isn’t feeling well and he’s losing his voice. He said that they partied pretty heavily that night but Ashton and his wife, Demi Moore, went out to play pool at some place. Howard said he thinks that he just needs sleep. Ashton said they slept for like 5 hours. Howard said he needs more than that.

Howard talked about the man purse that Ashton has and how it’s like a pussy magnet. Ashton said that there were only two scripts in there and they were the same script. He said that one was just a rewrite of the script.

Howard said he looks like a monster standing next to Ashton and John Stamos and those guys. Howard said he told Beth he looks like a monster and it’s horrible. Ashton said Howard had a whole look going on out there. He said his hair is one thing and then he had the guitar going on and he was playing the guitar with his chin with the tiny strap they had on that thing.

Howard said they should go over the guest list for that party. He said that Ashton must go out to parties like that all the time. Ashton said the good thing about that party is that there were no assholes there. He said that he was probably the biggest asshole there.

Howard said he felt like he was part of Hollywood because of that party. Jimmy set it all up for him. He said that it was a great party too.

Howard said they had this band set up out at Jimmy’s place and they had a bunch of guys playing together. Howard said it was him, John Stamos and Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray playing. Then John was getting upset with the band. He said David Arquette was playing trumpet and there were some people from Kimmel’s band. Stamos was upset that he was the best musician there according to Ashton. Stamos got pissed and didn’t want to play because they couldn’t decide on a song. Howard said that’s the only song he knows. He said he was playing that song and Stamos got mad that everyone was such a bad musician. He was even upset with Mark McGrath.

Howard said that Johnny Knoxville was at the party with his wife. Ashton said that guy is looking really old from beating himself up so much. He said that he’s a mess but he’s so polite all the time. Howard said he’s still putting the catheter up his penis twice a day. He said Johnny pulled out a jar of moonshine for them to try. Howard said that he didn’t even know what he meant. He said that Johnny’s cousin’s make this stuff and he took a smell. He said Demi told him he was a pussy and he should drink that crap. Howard said he had never felt such peer pressure before. Howard said Courteney Cox was drinking the stuff so she told him to man up too. Howard said he’s such a woman that he didn’t ant to drink it. He said that’s probably why Johnny looks 80 years old.

Howard said that Ashton was good on piano up there playing in the band. Demi was a good singer too. Ashton said she can do whatever she wants to do.

Howard asked Ashton about what he’s into now with trying to get rid of human trafficking. Ashton said he saw a report on one of these TV shows and he started doing research into it and he found out some information about it and it was shocking. He said ti’s like a $32 billion industry. He said that it was kind of heavy for a morning show discussion.

Howard asked Ashton about going out to the party. Ashton said they don’t do that kind of stuff a lot. Howard said that they had a lot of people there. He said that Jeff Probst flew in for it and then flew back out to do the Survivor finale show. Howard said he had a good time busting Jeff’s balls there. He said he’ll talk about that later on.

Howard gave Ashton some more plugs for his movie ”Killers” and talked to him about working with Katherine Heigle. He asked if she’s a pain in the ass to work with like people say. Ashton said she was fine with him. He said she may have had an issue during the shooting of one movie and it just didn’t go away.

Howard asked Ashton about a picture he saw of him making out with Natalie Portman. Ashton said that’s for a movie and it’s like free cheating. He said Demi is cool with it and they’re still having a great sex life. Howard asked how he instigates sex and how they keep it fresh. Ashton said that it’s sexting which is sending sexy texts. Robin asked if they send pictures. Ashton said that they will send pictures but not necessarily the penis. Ashton said he’ll just text her and tell her that he’s going to ”ruin her” when he gets home. Things like that.

Howard asked Ashton how old he was when he got married. Ashton said he was 25 which is pretty old for a guy from Iowa. Howard asked how old he was when he started modeling. Ashton said he was 19. Howard asked if that’s a tough job. Ashton said it is kind of tough.

Howard said when a man models they don’t really do a lot. Ashton said you don’t feel that good about doing it. He said that it’s like getting a jigsaw puzzle that’s already done. He said you don’t get much out of it.

Howard said that women don’t seem to be turned on to male models. Ashton said that’s true. He said getting the job on TV helped.

Howard read about how Ashton had gotten into some trouble when he broke into his school and got caught. Howard said he did something kind of like that. Ashton said that they were stealing pencils and stuff out of the vending machines.

Howard asked Ashton if he’s still into the kabbalah thing. Ashton said they’re both into it still. He said he still studies it. Howard asked what it is to do a kabbalah wedding ceremony. Ashton told him a little bit about it but he told Howard he’s not Jewish. Howard said he doesn’t understand that. Ashton said he thinks that organized religion is kind of dumb. He said he believes there is a god and things like that. He said he doesn’t like to follow the rules that the church has.

Howard asked Ashton about Natalie Portman. Ashton said she’s kind of short so they look like they’re different species when they stand next to each other. Ashton said that he had to kiss her in the scene they did and he had to lift her up. Howard asked if he got turned on. Ashton said he did. He said that he and Katherine Heigle had a kissing scene and he had to kiss her boobs or something. Howard said that’s why relationships don’t last out there in Hollywood.

Robin said that Ashton and Demi seem to be doing just fine. Howard said they did look pretty tight. Ashton said Demi is his best friend.

Howard said they might have to start a band. He said he would book it on a talk show. Howard said that would be funny. They could do ”Louie Louie” together.

,Howard asked Ashton about doing sex scenes and if he gets a boner with someone like Natalie Portman. Ashton said that when he shot that movie ”Spread” he was doing sex scenes all day long for like 7 days in a row and he got sick of it. Howard asked if he can tell Demi when he does get turned on. Ashton said he can do that because she really is like his best friend.

Howard asked Ashton about his brother not being at his wedding. Ashton said his brother is married to someone who sold a bunch of stories to the tabloids and he didn’t want her being there. Ashton said his brother wasn’t too happy about that but he had to leave her out of it. Ashton told him that she was a psycho and now they’re divorced. Howard asked what his brother does for a living. Ashton said his brother sells 401K’s. He said he’s a good looking guy but he doesn’t think he’s as good looking as him. He said his bother is a great guy though.

Howard said Ashton is a young guy and he’s having an incredible life. Ashton said it is pretty good. Howard asked if he gets carried away with himself or is he grounded. Ashton said that studying the kabbalah helps keep him grounded. He said Demi keeps him in his place too. He said he does the same for her.

Ashton said that he was on the verge of getting out of control with women when he met Demi. He said he wasn’t being nice and he was abusing it and then he met Demi. He said he shut the spigot off and things could have really gone bad. He said he could have O.D.’d on it. He said that it was getting close to getting into something really bad.

Ashton said he would be honest with the women about not wanting a relationship and they seemed to be okay with it but he knew that they wanted to change that. He said that he was kind of abusive with that. He said then he met Demi and she saved his ass. He said he met her through a mutual friend. He said she thought he was a douche bag when they met. Ashton said he was taking a shower when she came over. Ashton said he came out without his shirt on. She was making a call to her youngest daughter at the time. He said he heard her talking to her daughter and he wanted to be with a person like that based on the way she was talking to her. He said that was it for him.

Howard asked Ashton if he knew it was a move to come out without the shirt on. Ashton said it was a move. Howard asked Ashton if he has a small penis. Ashton said he wouldn’t say that but he’s not in demand or anything.

Howard asked Ashton about Demi and if she didn’t want to take him seriously romantically. Ashton said she didn’t. He said that he’s not even sure how he proved to her that he was into her. He just hung in there. Howard asked how long it took to get into her pants. Ashton said it took a while. Howard asked if it was weeks or months. He wasn’t saying exactly how long it was but it wasn’t more than a month.

Howard figured it was the second night but Ashton made it sound like it wasn’t that quick. He said they did make out on the second date. Ashton said she had to fly out the second day and she got stuck there because of the weather. He said they hung out for the second night and then she flew out for a week.

Howard said Demi was very supportive of him in the band they were in. Robin asked about Bruce Willis being at their wedding. Howard said that he doesn’t understand how Bruce Willis was at the wedding. Ashton said that Bruce is a great guy and he’d hang out with him any day. He said he’s pretty sure Bruce would like the show. Gary said he thinks that he has a problem with him. Howard didn’t get into that but Gary said that Stuttering John did an interview with him one time and he was kind of upset for some reason.

Howard asked Ashton about a pre-nup with Demi. Ashton said they don’t have one. They have a joint account and they have their own separate accounts. He said they have their own properties and they have purchased stuff together too.

Howard gave Ashton some more plugs for this movie he’s in and he talked to him about his Twitter followers. He said that Ashton has like 4 million followers on there now. Ashton said he has like 4 and a half million. He said he’s also thinking that this Foursquare thing is taking off. Howard said Ashton made Tweeting a huge thing and asked if they have offered him any money or thanked him for making them huge. Ashton said it bothered him for a while but now he doesn’t care so much.

Gary came in and told Howard that Ashton has to get going. He’s on his way to do Regis and Kelly. Howard told Ashton he should squat out a big dump on the show like Beth’s dog did on there last week.

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