Big Balls John

Howard said their next guest is John and he suffers from large scrotal edema. In other words, he has huge balls. Howard asked how long it’s going to take him to get in there. He said it must take a while with those huge things. Howard had him come in and Sal and Jim played AC/DC’s “Big Balls.”

John came in and told Howard to please be patient with him while he sets up there. He said he has a milk crate there and he has to put his balls on a pillow inside the milk crate. He said that it has to hold them. Howard said it sounds exhausting. John was out of breath. Howard asked how long it would take to walk to a scale. John said he could get there in a short time. Howard asked how much they weigh. John said that the last time he weighed them they were 72 pounds. Howard had John go over to get them weighed.

John said that he’s worried about being a sucky guest. He’s willing to do whatever they want. Howard said that he just wants to get the balls weighed. Howard had the guys do that for him. Howard said those things must be the biggest balls ever. John said he hasn’t contacted Guiness yet.

Howard had the guys help him out and they weighed in at 145 pounds. Howard said that he’s not standing on the scale so it has to be the balls. John asked Robin if she ever saw anything like this when she was a nurse. Robin said she has seen edema of the balls but not like this.

Howard asked John how long he’s had this condition. John said he’s had for quite a while now. John said that he keeps them covered and there are people who stare at him. He said he lives in Las Vegas. Howard asked how he makes a living. John was wheezing and said that every action he does is exhausting. Howard asked what age he was when he started with this. Robin said that they weren’t 150 pounds.

John said he started with this a few years ago. He said that he knew something was wrong and he had to get something done immediately. Howard asked if he had a nice life before this. John said not really. He said he wasn’t a very attractive person. He said he was born with a desire for women that dance in gentleman’s clubs in Las Vegas. Howard asked if he ever got laid before this happened. John said that when you look like him you come to adjust. He said it’s like living a good life and then you’re scooped up and taken off to prison like Bernie Madoff.

John said that he was always a chubby child when he was growing up. Howard asked if the weight has something to do with the balls being so huge. John said no. John said that there is probably no other entertainment medium like Howard’s show that has so many men listening. John said that when it’s chilly out your ball sack contracts. He said that sometimes they get loose and your balls spread apart. He said one morning he got up and his balls were actually kind of big to begin with. He said one morning he got up and he got up in a hurry. John said he slammed his right leg down on his right ball that the lymph node crushed. He said that it was from that blow to the nuts that it blew up. Robin said that the fluid must be only able to go in and not get out.

Ralph called in to laugh at what was going on. He asked if there were any pictures. Howard said they had one up on their Twitter @SternShow. Howard asked how long they took to get this large. John said that he’s a very strong man mentally and he would never kill himself. Howard said that a lot of people might do that. Howard asked if he has seen a doctor. John said he couldn’t get to the emergency room fast enough.

Howard asked John what he was doing for a living before the accident. John said he was scouting throughout Las Vegas for businesses that could use ATM machines. He said that he was getting commissions on that. John said that it was feast or famine. He said he was getting by but just barely. John said that now he’s on assistance but back then he wasn’t.

Howard asked what happened when he got to the emergency room. John said that morning he went through his day. He started feeling the pain as the day went on and then the next morning he got up and his ball was the size of a soccer ball. He went to the emergency room and he was put on antibiotics. He said that he went through this 2 week process to get the antibiotic through his body. Nothing happened so he went back to the hospital. He said they tried something else and went through two more weeks of that. Robin asked what the infection was and why they prescribed antibiotics. John said he doesn’t know. He said that he went to the emergency room and told them he had blood in his pee. He said that when they heard that they told him he was in luck because the doctor would be in the next day. John said he stayed in the hospital that night and expected the guy to come in on Monday. The doctor didn’t show up until Thursday afternoon.

Howard said he’s be freaking out if he had to wait that long. John said that the doctor told him he was going to send him across the street because there was nothing he could do for him. John said he spent 4 days and 4 nights and didn’t get one x-ray or anything. John said they want to do the bare minimum for you if you don’t have health insurance.

Howard asked John what happened when he went to the surgery place. John said they gave him an appointment for two months later. Howard was shocked by that. John said he had to stay at home for those two months. Howard asked if it was painful. John said it’s not constant pain but he gets a stinging sensation down there. He said that he was getting that from his anal cavity because the skin was breaking down there. Howard asked how he takes a shit. John said he has to put a slot machine bucket back there and collect his shit that way. He said he has to do that over a sink because he can’t sit on a toilet.

Howard said that he could get him into porn if he wants. John said he doesn’t think anyone would want him. Howard said he could get him in. John said that a less strong person would have killed themselves. Howard said he might be right.

John said as the ball sack grew it sucked in his dick. He said it’s basically sucked it in and made it into a cunt hole. He said that the doctor told him that he has no testosterone in his system now. He said the doctors were stumped and they didn’t know what to do.

Gary came in and asked if he’s going to show it to them. He said Gerard Butler is there but he has no idea what’s going on.

John took out his giant ball and showed it to them. Gary thought some smoke came out of there. John said he had some baby powder on it. Howard said it was wrapped in some sort of sheath. It was like an Ace bandage or something. Howard asked what the doctor said when he looked at it. John revealed his balls and all of the guys in the studio were all cringing and yelling ”Oh!” and ”Oh my god!” Then he showed where his penis was supposed to be. He showed where the bottom of his dick was and how it was shoved inside his ball sack.

John said the pee just kind of dribbles out like the water at the 9/11 memorial at ground zero. Howard asked what the doctor said to him. John said he finally saw a surgeon and the guy said it was beyond his pay grade. He said he was told to go to his general physician and told to start from square one. John said he’s not on any public assistance and he had to concentrate on making a living. He didn’t bother doing anything because of it. Howard said Sal should let him tea bag him. Sal said he’d do it. He figured it would smother him to death so he’d be up for it.

Gary asked if they could send John out the other exit since Gerard Butler’s people were out there. Howard said he doesn’t care. He said that John will walk out the normal door. John asked if he would escort him. Howard said no to that but he would let him walk out the regular door.

John said he has an appointment tomorrow at UCLA. He said that he’s a cash customer and he needs some cash to get that work done. He said that Dr. Leonard Marx is the one he’s going to be seeing. John said that they hope to be able to save his penis and balls but that’s not guaranteed. He said that they’ve suggested cutting them both off. John said that one guy said the only way he could take care of this is to remove everything from the back to the front and he may not be able to use his penis even after that. He said that he will never be able to have sex or use his penis again.

Howard asked what the name of this thing is. John said that they say it’s a large scrotal edema. That’s all they’ve said about it. He said he calls it a ball sack syndrome. Howard said that it’s sad that he has to walk around with a milk create to hold them in. Howard asked if he gets any sleep. John said he actually sleeps well. Last night he didn’t because he had cramps all over. He said that had to beat off all of these attempted for the cramps to come.

Howard asked why John grew a moustache. John said he’s had it since high school. Howard said he’d just say fuck it and just shave it off.

Howard asked John how he flew there. John said that he came on Jet Blue and they’re the best airline around. He said he had to go to the bathroom once and it was tough. He said he can’t even turn around in the bathroom.

Howard asked what he needs the doctor to do. John said that he would like the work done for free but he can’t count on that. John said he needs donations because it’s probably going to be over $100,000. He said that if he could move to California then he could get on Medi-Cal to help pay for it. Howard said he has to move on to Gerard Butler but he’d like to talk to him more about this. He said he would like him to call in on Monday and let them know what’s going on. John said he would do that.

John asked Howard if he would do him one favor. He said he hasn’t heard the show for more than 5 minutes since they moved there. He said that he loves it when Howard and the guys fight and banter back and forth like when Robin does the news. He said he hasn’t heard that news since 2006 and he’d like to sit in for that today. Howard said he’ll see about that. He has to get Gerard in there first. Howard went to break a short time later.

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