John Stamos Calls in to Howard Stern

Howard said he wanted to talk to John now. He let Vinnie go and said that John called him at home last night. Howard said John is upset about the party at Jimmy Kimmel’s house. Howard said John has hung out with him and gone on vacation with him. He said he almost had a foursome with John and his wife. He said that he even took care of John’s wife for a whole day once.

John said he’s been getting calls all week long about this party. Howard said he was going to tell John what happened. John said he’s going to tell him what he’s wrong about. Howard said he spent most of the time at the party with John. John said he wasn’t able to get rid of Howard. He said it was Howard being nervous and spending all of his time with him. Howard said that girl that was with John, Nikki, was super hot. John said that she’s not there with him this morning. Howard asked if she’s his girlfriend. John said no. He said she got mad at him after that night.

Howard said John walked in with the most gorgeous girl that night and then John was talking about the girls he’s banged, that’s why she got mad. John said that’s not true. He said he heard Courteney Cox telling him about how he taught her how to play drums. Howard said that she made out with him once. John said that’s true. Howard said John is the one who was making it sound like he had fucked everyone there. Howard said John is the one who makes comments about the girls and it leads him to believe he fucked them. Howard said he got the feeling he fucked Demi and Courteney. Howard said he gives him a look and them mumbles something.

Howard asked John why Nikki was mad at him. John said he and Howard are buddies. John said Howard tells him stories about other girls too. Howard said he tells him he wishes he could fuck some of the girls. John said he has a new story about Howard fucking some chick. He said he’s not going to talk about it on the air but he will off the air. Howard told him to never bring it up. Howard asked if it’s what John revealed about his sex life that upset Nikki. John said that wasn’t it.

Howard said that he loves John. He didn’t have Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca there because he knew it would be awkward for him. Howard said he did that because he likes John and John was going to be there. He said he likes Jerry and Rebecca but he didn’t want to make John uncomfortable.

Howard said that John walked into the party with this stunning girl. He had a bag of t-shirts in his hand too. John said he’s going to send the note he got from Howard about that stuff so he can prove he’s not wrong in this. Howard said he’d better not because that was private. Howard said this girl John was with was so gorgeous. Howard said they were saying that everything between them was great too. Howard asked why he can’t make her his girlfriend. John said there’s nothing wrong. Howard said John would worship that girl if he looked like him. Howard asked what’s wrong with the girl. John said they’re dating. Howard said they date and fuck. Howard said that when a girl fucks you then she’s emotionally involved. Howard said he’s going to destroy her eventually. Robin said she’ll just have to move on like all of the other girls do.

Howard asked John where this girl is ranked, number one or number two. John said she’s the greatest girl he’s met and he hopes to make it work. He said he dated before he went to New York and now he’s back. Howard said it must be great to be that good looking. He can brush this hot chick off like it’s nothing. Howard said this guy fucks more than anyone on the planet.

John said he sent Howard a message about the t-shirts that he brought to the party. Howard said he never got that message. Howard said it must be great to be John Stamos. He said this girl was chasing him around.

Howard said Ralph told John to just mail the shirts to him. John said he asked Howard to tell him what his fake name was at the hotel and he never told him. John said he called him a shit head and he said he threw the t-shirts in the garbage. Howard said it was easier to throw them out than give them away to someone.

Howard said he brought Jimmy a $400 bottle of red wine too so Robin was wrong saying that he didn’t bring anything to him. Robin said she didn’t know that.

Howard said Jimmy was really bummed about John saying that he should have invited Don Rickles. Howard heard that John was upset that Jeff Probst was there and Don Rickles wasn’t even there. John said that Don called him. He didn’t call Don. John said that Don’s son heard Howard talking about the party and that’s how he found out about it. John said he told Jimmy about it because Don is going to be on his show in a couple of weeks and he’s going to bust his balls over it. He said he was just warning Jimmy so he’s know it was coming.

Howard said Don Rickles is 80 years old and he wouldn’t have wanted to sit at that loud party. John said that Don is on Jimmy’s show in a week and he’s going to talk to him about that story. Howard asked who else is upset about the party. John said that Don is good friends with Jimmy so that’s why he was letting him know.

Howard said this is weird. He asked John if he’s jealous that he’s friends with jimmy. John said he’s not. Howard said Don Rickles used to talk about his vacations with Bob Newhart and he thinks that he and Jimmy are turning into Don Rickles and Bob Newhart. Howard said he and Jimmy go on vacation all the time.

Howard also talked about how John and Mark McGrath got into it at the party. Howard said that John and Mark were the only ”real” musicians there and John was taking it way too seriously. John was getting upset when they wouldn’t finish a song. Howard said he was taking all of the fun out of it. John said that he and McGrath are fine and they’re not fighting. He said they’re going to hang out this weekend. Howard asked if he told him to learn a few songs. John said he should know some songs.

Howard said John had words with him about Mark and Mark felt that John was angry with him after the party. John said he has emails from Mark about it and he’s not upset. Howard said John was freaking out that they didn’t know any songs. John read an email from Mark where he says he’s not sure what Howard was talking about and he’s not upset with John at all.

Howard apologized to John. John said it hurt his feelings. Howard said he’s sorry. John said that he threw away his t-shirts. Howard said he didn’t like any of them. He said he actually did keep one but he did try to like the rest. John said he was upset about the wine he gave Jimmy and how Robin said he didn’t give Jimmy anything. Howard said he should have given him the wine and Jimmy the t-shirts.

Howard said he can’t imagine making love to that Nikki girl. John said he’s taking some time off of work so he has to figure out what his problem is. John said he has to figure out why he can’t fall in love. Howard said this girl is so hot and they’d have the most beautiful children if they had kids. Robin asked what’s stopping John. Howard said John gets so much pussy that he’s overdosed on it. John said he’s only had 3 girls in the past year. Howard said he was on Dancing with the Stars and asked him who he should fuck there. John said that was a joke. John said they don’t care about him there.

John said he’s upset about Robin saying he’s got diseases and stuff. Robin said she never said such a thing. Howard said he knows he doesn’t have any diseases because he stuck it in his ass.

Gary said he went out to the set of E.R. a couple of years ago and John gave him a tour. He said he was thinking about all of the girls he works with and which ones he thinks he fucked. Gary said that John is fucking 10’s too.

Howard said John told him that Beth wasn’t going to be the last one he banged. Howard said that you have to put some work into it and you can’t just give up on these girls. Howard said you have to be open to a relationship. Howard said that this Nikki is very hot, she fucks like a champ and she’s great. He asked John what his problem is. John said he has to figure out what it is.

Gary asked how long John can stop working. John said he could quit forever. John said he’s going to be on Entourage this season and they want Howard on there too but he hates the show. Howard said he doesn’t hate the show, he just doesn’t watch it. He said he likes those guys and he’s had them on the show.

Howard said that John is the problem because he hates ugly people and he’s afraid the girls are going to get ugly. John said that’s not true.

Fred said that John is going to keep going like this until his looks are gone. He said that will happen one day too. Howard said John doesn’t want to hear that. Fred said that Michael Douglas lost his looks. John said that Fred loves to hammer him. He said he thinks that Fred is genius but he’s always beat him up. Fred said that’s not true. John said that Fred has said that Rebecca wasn’t a super model and things like that. Gary said he doesn’t think that conversation has ever come up. Fred said he thinks that she is a super model.

Fred told John he’s going to be Michael Douglas in 10 years. He told him to keep laughing it up. John asked why he’s so mad at him. Fred said he’s not mad, he just needs some tough love. Fred said that if he got a little bit ugly he’d find the girl of his dreams.

Howard said John’s problem is that he’s got too many options. John said he’s almost 50 so when is he going to lose his looks. Fred said it will happen. He said that eventually a 20 year old is going to look at him and say he’s a codger. Howard said Jack Nicholson is still out there fucking chicks. Fred said it might not be that many now though. Fred said John is crying over this girl problem he has and he just doesn’t want to fall in love.

Howard asked John if he fucked Fred’s wife or something. John said he loves Fred no matter what he says to him. Fred said he will give John Robert Redford’s number and he’ll tell him about how it is.

Howard said Fred is worried that in 2026 John will be dating his daughter. Fred said that will never happen. He said he’d shoot out his kneecaps before he’d let that happen.

John mentioned that Ralph kept calling his house. Howard said Ralph should stop doing that because he’s on the air. He said Ralph should call the show if he wants to talk to him.

Howard asked John why he would trust Johnny Knoxville’s moonshine at the party. He said no one knows what the fuck was in that. He said Beth drank a bunch of it. John said that everyone drank it but Howard. Howard said they had a great time there at the party though.

John wondered if they had cleared everything up. He went through all of the subjects and said they were all cleared up. Howard said John really was upset that Mark McGrath didn’t know any songs. He said he came up to him after the band stuff and said that he was annoyed.

Ralph called in and said that John said that he has to stop worrying about this stuff so much and just have some fun. Howard said John can’t listen to Ralph. He said that Ralph thought he was an asshole for getting married. Ralph said that John also said that Jimmy is a ”Howard hog.” Howard asked what that means. John said that he does think that’s the case. Ralph said that Jimmy had Howard tied up all three nights out there. Howard said that somehow happened but that was Beth who lined it up.

Howard said John didn’t ask him out to dinner. John said he did. He asked to hang out by the pool. Howard said he doesn’t need to be in a bathing suit next to John Stamos. Howard said he cant believe that John called Jimmy a ”Howard hog.” Fred said he was sorry he went off on John because he just realized he’s upset about losing Howard to Jimmy.

Ralph said that John may not have said that in those exact words. John said that people are bullshitting. Ralph said he never said that Howard was an asshole for getting married. Ralph said Howard stopped the partying as soon as he met Beth and it wasn’t the marriage.

Howard asked Ralph about the t-shirt thing too. Ralph said that the t-shirts were stupid and no one cares if Joey Ramone used to wear them or not. Howard asked John if he thinks Ralph does a good job of dressing him. Howard thinks he does. John didn’t really say much about it.

Howard told John they’re square now. John said they’re always square. He said he just felt bad about this weekend. Howard asked John how he’s going to figure out whey he can’t fall in love. John said he’s going to therapy once a month. Howard asked how else he’s going to address it. John said he’ll talk to Howard about it.

John said he thinks that Howard gets everyone else to do his dirty work for him now. He said that’s what therapy has done for him. Howard said he has said plenty of bad things about John and that got him upset. John said that’s true. He said he thinks that Artie was the one who was doing his dirty work for a while when he was in there. Howard said he didn’t agree with what Artie would say when he used the N-word. John was reading way too much into this according to Howard.

Howard said John was goofing on Jimmy’s house. John said all he said was that it looked like the house he had when he was 18. Howard said that’s making fun of Jimmy’s house. John said maybe Howard can be friends with Jimmy and he’ll be friends with someone else.

Howard said he and John were going to go on vacation together. John said he was going to but he doesn’t want to go to Howard’s house. He wants to go out on a boat or something. Howard said he would do that in the winter but not in the summer.

Howard said he’s never had guys fight over him like this before. John said that he and Howard have nothing in common. John said they don’t watch the same shows, they don’t read the same books or anything like that. Howard asked why he likes him. John said he’s known him for 25 years. Howard told John to just ask him the key question and ask who he would save if the three of them were in a boat. Jimmy, Howard and John. Howard said he would actually kill John because that would send him up a notch. John said this was a fun phone call. He got up at 4:30 in the morning to do this.

John said he thinks that he’ll get married in the next 3-4 years. He said it won’t be Nikki. Nikki is mad at him right now. John asked who his favorite girl is. Ralph said it was Leah. John said she was there with him right now. Howard asked why John didn’t bring her to the party then. John didn’t answer. Ralph said that John was having a hard time deciding on who he was going to bring to the party. John said he brought Nikki because she had spent time with Howard and Beth and they liked her. Howard said he liked Leah too though.

Gary came in with an F, Marry Kill for Howard. It was John, Ralph and Jimmy. Howard said he would have to fuck John Stamos… hard, kill Ralph and marry Jimmy. Howard said John can’t commit so he can’t marry him. Howard said he loves Ralph but he can’t even invite him over to his house.

John said he heard what Ralph did to get kicked out of Howard’s house. Howard said Ralph has a lot of growing up to do. He said he has to watch what he says to people. Ralph said he was drunk. Robin made fun of him about that so Ralph said they don’t talk about what she does when she gets drunk. Robin didn’t want to go there.

Howard asked John if Nikki is the best lay of his life, and Leah is there with him, then she must not be the best lay of his life. John said that they’re equal. Howard said that’s not what he told him. Howard asked John if he’s in love with Leah. John said he is but then Howard asked why he was out with Nikki. John didn’t have an answer. John said he’s grateful for his life and he’s very happy. He knows he’s lucky and he couldn’t be luckier or happier.

Leah woke up so John put her on the phone. Howard asked Leah about John and why he says he’s in love with her but he can’t get married and be in a relationship. He asked her why she keeps going back. Leah said she has no idea. She said John is making her work for it. Howard asked if she can seal the deal. She said eventually she can. Ralph said she’s crazy too because she has a boyfriend. Leah said that’s over. Howard asked if it drives her crazy that John is dating. She said she’s seeing other people too. She said they don’t talk about that stuff.

Howard asked Leah if she would marry John tomorrow if he asked her to marry him. She said no but then said that if he asked her father’s permission she probably would. Howard asked if she’s seeing any other famous guys. She said that she’s not. Howard figured she’s dating some rich guys. Howard asked Leah if John is the best lay she’s ever had. Leah laughed. She said she has had the most fun with him. Howard asked if he has the biggest penis. She said she can’t say that. Howard said he thinks that he’s pretty big according to his wife. Howard said John was really fun when he was married. He was running around without any underpants on.

Howard said that it sounds like John isn’t the best lay of her life. She said that they’ll have to see about that. Howard asked if she was upset that she wasn’t at Jimmy’s party. She said she wasn’t upset. Howard asked if they made love last night. Leah said no. She said she was out at a concert. She saw Massive Attack. Howard asked if John is the oldest guy she’s dated. She said yes. Howard asked if she was a ”Full House” fan. She said she saw it in reruns. Howard said she’s just out of high school. She said it was 6 years out of high school. Howard said John used to drop her off at high school.

Howard asked Leah what she was wearing. She said she had to go but she was wearing a tank top and no bottoms. Howard said that was nice and told her to let it all air out. Howard asked how old her mom is. She said that she’s a couple years older than John.

John got back on the phone and Howard told him that she said his cock wasn’t the biggest she’s had. John called her back in the room to ask about that but Howard had to get going. He said he loves John and let him promote the Entourage thing. John told him to go easy on him this week. Howard said he didn’t know he was being so bad. Howard told him he has to want to be in love to fall in love. He wrapped up and let John go after that. Howard said that they got to the bottom of all of that stuff.

Howard said that Leah was at his wedding. Robin said she met her then. Howard said she’s got a sexy voice. He said he’s not sure who is having the better life, Woody Harrelson or John Stamos. He said he thinks it’s Stamos. Robin said most guys would want Stamos’ life. Howard said when he was single for those few months he was in bed with a famous woman. He said they spent the night together and she blew him. Howard said she turned to him and said she couldn’t believe that she was even liking him. Howard said John has never heard that. Howard said it was a shock to the woman that she was able to like him. Howard said he had to work a broad. John doesn’t have to do that. They went to break a short time later.

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